...After Stallone Caught With Performance-Enhancing Drugs

PHILADELPHIA--In the wake of last month's shocking revelation that actor Sylvester Stallone had been caught with the illegal human growth hormone Jintropin at an Australian airport, the World Boxing Association, in a joint decision with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and the Screen Actors Guild, has overturned the uplifting, feel-good endings of Rocky II, III, and IV, sources said Monday.

You really gotta hand it to the Onion ...