The off-season has arrived, and everywhere there are problems. Really, it's just so hard to adjust. Never fear, Gavia is here to help you sort out all your issues. Got problems? I so totally have answers.

You don't believe me, do you. Well read on then, and see what wisdom I have bestowed upon these poor lost souls who have written seeking my always infallible advice.

Dear Gavia,
I wake up early every day, and I turn on the internet. I look around everywhere. Google me this, google me that, but I can't find any bike racing. What am I doing wrong?
Signed,
Confused Early-Riser.

Dear Confused,
Silly Confused, bike racing season is over. A calender, do get one. Available at a store near you.

Go ahead and flip through the pages until you see January. That's right, it comes right after December. And yes, it says 2009. That's because January doesn't come until next year.

Now, draw a big red circle around 18 January. That way, you won't forget this very important date. Why is it important, you ask? You do ask a lot of silly questions, Confused, now don't you. The next bike race starts in Australia on that very day, 18 January. If you mark your brand new calender that you just bought at the store with a big red circle, you won't miss this most important day. In fact, if you want to be extra super sure, you can mark each day until 18 January with a big black X. Big red circle for the bike race, big black X for the days until the bike race. It's quite simple.

In the meantime, you will have to occupy your time constructively. A frightening task, to be sure. You might consider organizing your sock drawer. Or cleaning your chain. But fear not, there will be bike races again before you know it.

Love and Kisses,
Gavia.

Dear Gavia,
Perhaps I missed new developments in the youth drug culture during my years spent in Humbolt, but why hasn't any pro rider tested positive for pot yet?
Thanking green,
Mary Jane.

Dear Mary,
Perhaps pro cyclists are lacking in imagination. Or maybe they fear the effects on the ol' strength to weight ratio of recurring attacks of the munchies.

However, I believe quite strongly in the scientific method, and especially in helping people help themselves. Have you ever tried to race a bike stoned? Please go try it. Then, report back with your findings. Truly, we'd like to know how that works out for you.
Love and Kisses,
Gavia.

Important: Gavia assumes no liability or responsibility for any mishaps or misadventures that may occur in carrying out this experiment. Toke and race at your own risk.

Dear Gavia
I recently purchased a set of jet black Assos bib shorts that were for sale on a popular web site. With all the hub-bub about white being the new black and my Assos bibs sporting the jet black color I find myself in a couture quandary. Since Team High Road away jerseys are the only ones sporting black this year, then how can I possibly show my face at the next Saturday morning slugfest?
Signed,
Shaking In My Bibs 'n' Booties.

P.S. I still have my snow white Assos shoe covers. Does that save my fashionista soul?

Dear Shaking,
Clearly, you have a very serious problem, but I feel certain I can help.

First of all, black is always the new black, especially where bib shorts are concerned. Really, the chicks do not want to see your butt crack peeping through your white lycra. Nor, do we want to see... Well, anyway, the bottom line is, chicks don't dig white bibs. It is far better to transcend the trend by sporting your black bibs with pride than to demean yourself by slavishly chasing the vagaries of fashion.

On the subject of white Assos shoe covers, the least said the better. You actually bought white Assos shoe covers? I bet you were going to wear them with white knickers, too, weren't you. Don't even get me started. Mixing knickers and shoe covers, of all the misguided absurdities. If it's cold enough for shoe covers, it's definitely too cold for knickers. Newsflash, your calves are not that hot, so you can go ahead and cover them up already. Anyway, I can't imagine a possible scenario in which white Assos shoe covers would be acceptable attire. Please burn them immediately.
Love and Kisses,
Gavia.

Dear Gavia,
For months, Benna has been my teevee boyfriend. Every week, sometimes every day, Benna appeared right here in my very own home. But now that there's no bike racing, there's no Benna. How will I survive the long winter months without him?
Please Help Me!
Benna-Lover.

Dear Benna-Lover,
Your situation appears quite desperate. But let me help you out. One word: Google. There you will find all the Benna you need. You're welcome.
Love and Kisses,
Gavia.

Dear Gavia,
I have a serious problem. I really really really wanted a Pinarello Prince. So, I bought one. No problem, right?

Wrong.

Big problem.

At first, everything was great. My friends were all envious. I did my best time ever on my local climb, I kid you not, I timed it myself. I was riding like a pro. I was all set to have my best season ever.

Then, disaster struck. My wife found out about my new Pinarello. At first, she just thought it was a pretty bike. But then, she saw the credit card bill. Now, I'm just hoping she'll let me back inside some day.

What do I do?
Signed,
In The Doghouse.

Dear In The Doghouse,
This is a serious problem, requiring desperate measures. There is only one thing to do. Send me the Pinarello. I will take excellent care of it. Problem solved. I'm sure your wife will let you back in the house. The credit card bill? No one actually pays those any more, do they? You'll be fine. Just send me the Pinarello.
Love and kisses,
Gavia.

Got problems? Need advice? Ask Gavia! Send me your problems, askgavia@gmail.com. Questions will be answered in the order in which they are received.

Dislaimer thingy: All letters may be edited for clarity and style, and to make them more funny. Names and places may be altered to make sure that neither Gavia nor the Cafe gets sued. Cuz we don't have that kind of cash. Gavia is not a lawyer, doctor, or any of those other authority types who are actually qualified to give advice. Use at your own risk and stuff.