Ask Gavia!
by Jen See on Jun 19, 2008 8:54 PM EDT
in Cafe Happy Hour!
Email
PrintEveryday, the mailbox is stuffed to the brim. So many problems, so little time. Alas how sad these poor souls, weighed down by such fearsome problems. But fear not, dear friends, Gavia is here to help!
* * *
Dear Gavia,
I have this big crush on Benna, but he is in Italy and I am here and I can't afford to move to be closer. What do I do?
Signed,
Benna-lover
* * *
Dear Benna-Lover,
This is a very serious problem. Truly Bennati is a lovely sight to behold, and if I were Mistress of the Universe, we would all live in Italy. What the Italians would make of us, I dare not consider, though as Mistress of the Universe I would ensure that all would be happy and joyous (and maybe a wee bit tipsy on the Italian vino.)
Sadly, I am not Mistress of the Universe, and you will have to content yourself with virtual acquaintance with Signor Bennati. Which, in the grand scheme of things isn't so bad. Better virtual Benna, than no Benna at all. To ease your pain, be sure to seek out and post as many photos of Bennati as possible so that always your weary eyes may rest on his beautifulness. Benna wallpaper is a must, of course, though I feel certain you will have already taken this very obvious step. But Benna paper dolls? Or a life size Benna? If the wallpaper and wall-to-wall photos are not enough, you may have to consider such drastic measures.
Fortunately, come July you should be able to enjoy your daily dose of Benna. Hang in there, it's only a few more weeks.
Love and Kisses,
Gavia
* * *
Dear Gavia,
My wife refuses to understand why I need a new Pinarello Prince with the new Campy group (the one that goes to eleven) and a set of Lightweight wheels despite multiple attempts on my part to explain it to her. I even went so far as to put together a spreadsheet comparing the cost per day of the Pinarello to the cost of a gym membership combined with a therapist. The ROI is a measly 16 years! What can I do to convince her?
Signed,
Pinarello-less Prince
* * *
Dear Prince-Poser,
Your wife is right. You don't need a Pinarello Prince with Campy Super Record. But I do. So please send it right over. I will take excellent care of it.
Love and kisses,
Gavia
* * *
Dear Gavia,
What can I do? Drew keeps picking the same guys as me for the VDS competition. Now I get punished by association every time the gods of cycling strike down upon his team with furious anger. I have done nothing wrong , I’m just a poor innocent boy from the country, and I don’t deserve to suffer for other people’s wrongdoings. I’m OK with Drew being punished, he has most likely done horrible things to deserve what he gets (like put Shimano on an italian frame or something similar) but is it right that I should suffer too? I don’t know where else to turn, I’m so sad and confused and I can’t seem to stop crying. Please tell me what to do, Gavia.
Signed,
Unfairly-Chastised
* * *
Dear Unfairly-Chastised,
Cycling gods hungry! Cycling gods smash VDS team! Plainly, a sacrifice is necessary. A new Super Record gruppo would do quite nicely. Just send it directly to me, and I will ensure that the correct rites are carried out.
And this Drew person, he is clearly beyond help. Shimano on an Italian frameset? Poor misguided fool. Such things are simply not done.
Love and Kisses,
Gavia
* * *
Dear Gavia,
The TV at my office is busted. Can you advise me on reasonable excuses for not coming into work until noon (or later) during the 18 non-rest, business days of Le Tour in July?
Signed,
It's Broken!
* * *
Dear It's Broken!,
Plainly, you work for completely unfeeling monsters, if you cannot watch the Tour every morning in July. I feel certain I read it somewhere, that all human beings were created equal and are entitled to certain unalienable rights among which are life, liberty, and the Tour de France every morning in July. But maybe I misunderstood.
All that aside, what is stopping you from buying a new teevee, mmm? Simple. Step 1: Go to store. Step 2: Purchase teevee. Step 3: Plug in Teevee. Step 4: Watch Tour every morning at work. Step 5: Convince boss and co-workers that this is an essential activity and will create value for shareholders. I leave it to you to determine just what this value you are creating is. You didn't think I was going to do everything for you, did you?
Love and kisses,
Gavia
* * *
Got a problem? Need a solution? Write to Gavia, care of askgavia@gmail.com!
Dislaimer thingy: All letters may be edited for clarity and style, and to make them more funny. Names and places may be altered to make sure that neither Gavia nor the Cafe gets sued. Cuz we don't have that kind of cash. Gavia is not a lawyer, doctor, or any of those other authority types who are actually qualified to give advice. Use at your own risk and stuff.
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With regard to broken TV
Second solution is to either convince boss that you need to work remotely.
If successful then remote could be at home, or in France (what a coincidence that there’s a bicycle race there!!) – maybe even claim on tax as a business expense as you are trying to gain more work for your company!
Else move closer to Tour – or in my case well away, but in such a location that we get to watch tour very late at night (in Australia)
yessss
maybe next time, we have marcus write the advice column. he has very excellent advice.
yes, i need to go to france. it is very important for the good of our corporate well-being.
OMG Gavia!
I am so in need of tissues to wipe away the tears!!! Good Stuff. New permanent thready I hope!!!
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
glad it made ya laugh :-)
i will definitely need audience participation to continue. but yes, it could happen….
Cool!
I go to sleep tonight a wiser person than when I got up this morning, what a great day!! Plus I had a good laugh.
I'm not sure why you people think these suggestions are anything other than completely serious. Geez!
Dear Gavia,
I’m starting a new job on 30 June. What’s the best way to highly encourage my boss and my subordinates to leave me the F*&% (h/t Nikki :) alone when the Tour de France is on tv? Oh, and ditto when I want to ride during the workday, and spend time posting on PdC, and keeping up w/ the pre- and post-race chatter?
Thinking hard - really hard - of something witty to say....
I so fear that these dedicated working peeps
just so do not understand what it is like to be bothered with petty like real work crap during the mornings. The worst is wardrobe discussions or god forbid other sports chatter. I mean seriously. They should so go get a serious hobby to follow or something to tied them over till lunch. Damn worker bees…. LOL!!!!! I would so like to bother them at like 8 or 9 pm when they are trying desperately hard to get in their viewing pleasures. You don’t see us calling and walking up to their doors and butting in do ya. Nope. We leave them alone.
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
maybe they just need a little help...
to: dedicated working peeps
from: dedicated cycling tifosi
re: the month of july
dear all,
perhaps you were unaware that the month of july is fast approaching. for us, the dedicated cycling tifosi of the world, this month has extraordinary importance. you have your superbowl, which is one sunday in january. you have your nba finals, which is uh, like five games (or something) in may, and your world series, which is uh, well, do you honestly believe i know anything about the world series? ahem. my point is that july is like all those things together only it happens every day for a whole month. cool eh?
now, in order for this monthlong celebration to proceed smoothly and happily, we need your cooperation. see, this tour de france requires serious dedication. consequently, we will not be available for idle chit-chat or quite honestly anything else during the coming weeks.
just to help you out, i have provided a list of prohibited activities for tifosi during july, among them are: work, chores of any kind, increasing shareholder value, accounting fraud, contributing to the gdp, family reunions (unless said family are all of the cycling tifosi persuasion), weddings, birthday parties, any road trip involving lengthy time away from an internet connection, camping (see previous), hard training, servicing the computer, rebooting the internet, breakfast with the in-laws, lunch with great aunt meredith, dinner with uncle george, and… well, you get the idea. you are asked to refrain from planning any such activities during the month of july. quite simply, we will be unavailable.
we feel certain you understand and we thank you in advance for your consideration.
yours sincerely,
tifosi
That's awesome.
I will so make sure to turn that in to Mgr upon returning next week. I am sure it will go over well. And if for some unsaken reason it is dismissed, I am so playing the gynie card cause yah, the guys, they so like to just agree and avoid topics of that nature at all cost. Can’t abuse it but July is prime use.
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
Dear Gavia,
I’ve grown accustomed to having Tom Boonen be my tv boyfriend during the month of July, but this year, he’s been excluded from the Tour de France due to a youthful indiscretion (boys will be boys!).
I’m tempted to pick a new tv boyfriend, just for this one Tour, but I don’t want to be disloyal to Tommeke, after he was such a lovely tv boyfriend last summer (you have to admit, green is his color).
What do you think?
p.s., Do you know if Benna will be at the Tour? How about Pippo?
by Susie Hartigan on Jun 19, 2008 10:12 PM EDT reply actions
Dear Boonen-craver
This is why we have CTV “on demand” offerings, so that we may watch an endless loop of Boonen (or that chirpy italian world champion fellow) being specialized.
Dear Unfairly-Chastised,
Though I love the Giro and Lombardia like my own children, I ride only American framesets (Cannondale, IF, Ventana). So Shimano is a-ok.
As for horrible things done in the past? More than you could count if you used both hands and feet ;-)
"Hey, hey, settle down boys and girls or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again."
here
is where I step in.
“Give us 3,000 pounds not to reveal the name of your lover in Bolton”
"If writing too much about the Classics is wrong, I don't want to be right."
by Chris Fontecchio on Jun 20, 2008 12:37 AM EDT up reply actions
You Sir,
are half the reason I can’t run for public office. But your hands aren’t exactly spotless either ;-)
"Hey, hey, settle down boys and girls or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again."
That I could win
But anything higher up – forget it.
Oh, and next season I’ll run my VDS team by you first so you can know who to avoid ;-)
"Hey, hey, settle down boys and girls or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend Corporal Punishment again."
Hands are clean
Fingernails… different story.
"If writing too much about the Classics is wrong, I don't want to be right."
by Chris Fontecchio on Jun 20, 2008 1:45 PM EDT up reply actions
Heh
Fun stuff. I like this place.
"....Up Sestriere on a rental clunker in jeans and loafers? Brother, lemme buy you a beer."
by Rolls on Jun 19, 2008 10:37 PM EDT reply actions
We are so happy you've joined us!!! :-)
Fun fun group and so worth some daily giggles!
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
And you make jewelry out of Campy parts? Whoa! Your're going to fit right in. Welcome.
A bicycle ride is a flight from sadness. -James E. Starrs, "The Literary Cyclist" (1997)
Thanks a lot, I'm diggin' it. Fun-o-meter is nice and pegged! But knowledgeable folk too....good chemistry.
"....Up Sestriere on a rental clunker in jeans and loafers? Brother, lemme buy you a beer."
by Rolls on Jun 19, 2008 11:08 PM EDT up reply actions
Dear Gavia
I recently purchased a set of jet black Assos bib shorts that were for sale on a popular web site. With all the hub-bub about white being the new black and my Assos bibs sporting the jet black color I find myself in a couture quandary. Since Team High Road away jersey’s are the only ones sporting black this year, then how can I possibly show my face at the next Saturday morning slugfest?
Wait a sec…thought I was writing Styleman…nevermind.
Signed,
Shaking in my bibs n booties
P.S. I still have my snow white Assos shoe covers…does that save my fashionista soul?
Spokejunky - Real men don't wear white unless they are paid to!
There are very good photos out there indicating why Real Men only wear black shorts – just can’t remember where to find them :-)
Oh man... that just is so not right...
Guys, PLEASE wear black.
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
Do you want the wheels too?
Then tell me which CSC rider once ate an entire small farming community while on a family vacation in Iowa. Email your answers to “Jens! Competition” at team@cycling.tv... And “poser”? Jeez. Rub it in, Gav… I’m definitely buying me some crocs now. Probably pink ones.
Which Italian Pro Tour Team rides the Cannondale SystemSix?
arrgghh!
not the crocs. nooooooooo!
i saw a woman in pink crocs out last night. in fact, they were a whole precious nuclear crocs family. i laughed in their general direction.
Check out my new Crocs >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
In slipstream colors even… H/T to Nikki… Take it away Jimbo...
Which Italian Pro Tour Team rides the Cannondale SystemSix?
GAVIA - LOL
You even set up a e-mail address for askgavia@gmail.com ! – BAHAHAA
Sigh, the Benna wallpaper is not enough. I guess I will have to get the Benna inflatible doll, or the plastic action figure.
I have the Benna wallpaper
from the Liquigas site on my work PC. Everytime someone comes over to my computer I have to explain who he is. I’m usually met by looks of confusion, but maybe that’s because I’m blushing uncontrolably…! Benna action figure? That should definitely be done.
I’m new here incidentally so hi to you all :-)
I have Eki on my office wall
Along with a darling picture of Paolo Bettini being hugged by Eric Zabel on the podium of his first world’s championship. (whispering….I also have Jan and Vino up there too….don’t tell anyone.)
Roadside, the Benna inflatable doll? Hm…..
60% of the time, it works every time.
Eki
A real one or that cool Soviet-style Trek poster?
"If writing too much about the Classics is wrong, I don't want to be right."
by Chris Fontecchio on Jun 20, 2008 1:46 PM EDT up reply actions
Inflatable roadside doll?
I soooo need one on those on Alpe d’Huez this year!
I have Benna on the office wall too (along with Boonen-not in my good books currently), though that picture is slightly more subtle than the wallpaper from which a lifesize closeup of his face stares out at me :-)
lol
that would be sooo funny. you’d definitely have to get on camera with that. and pose by your road paintings for the cafe, of course :-)
I will endeavour to pose
with or without inflatable Benna, but with would be far the more preferable option….who could make such a thing I wonder? ;-)
Welcome!
"If writing too much about the Classics is wrong, I don't want to be right."
by Chris Fontecchio on Jun 20, 2008 2:03 PM EDT up reply actions
action figure!
dear team liquigas,
it is imperativo that you give us a benna action figure as some of us are sadly too far from Bella Italia to experience Benna in the erm flesh. If an action figure is not possible, we would accept a bobble head. but that would be vastly inferior. also, if you could consider an inflatable doll, we would be very happy.
yours sincerely,
crazy american benna tifose
think it’ll work?!
A Benna Bobble Head!
We need a photoshop of that! – Where is Veloki – he’s good at that stuff
Yes I'm a her ;-)
And yes Benna Bobble is on the way! Unfortunately I’m house sitting right now, and my computer with software to make animation is at home. But never fear! I will get it to you this weekend.
And Gav, more doo-dads are uploaded, more coming this weekend.
Pinarello Prince Advice
Fun article!
My friend tried not telling his wife about his new Prince – he was busted a couple of weeks later. It’s just too darn sexy to pretend it’s inexpensive
by cyclingchallenge on Jun 20, 2008 1:15 PM EDT reply actions
That might work
Just don’t tell her… But somehow I think she might notice the $15,000 charge on the Visa card… And the forks on these always remind me of this…
Which Italian Pro Tour Team rides the Cannondale SystemSix?
Not sure when I'll get back to here.
Have a great trip!
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
yes curves
the curves are great! :)
Note in my photo my pal only had money left for one carbon water bottle holder – the shame :)
by cyclingchallenge on Jun 20, 2008 1:32 PM EDT reply actions
Oh
that’s the photo of his actual bike. I didn’t pick up on that. She’s a beaut… Yes, a non-carbon bottle cage is a disgrace on that bike. And those wheels simply will not do. Please taunt your friend on my behalf…
Which Italian Pro Tour Team rides the Cannondale SystemSix?
Definitely
Cycling etiquette faux pas! How dare he try to get buy with only one carbon water bottle holder. Does he think we will not notice such things? I sure do feel for his buddies if he has the nerve to show up on that thing.
What’s that…valve stems aren’t lined up with the tire labels? ...oh the shame!
I bet he wears his glasses INSIDE of his helmet straps too, doesn’t he?
what he said.
lovely bike. but the wheels need help.
also, mix n’ match bottle cages just won’t do. either carbon or al, not both. mmmkay?
sigh… i’m just jealous. so sexy.
What are the wheels? I can't tell from the photos.
They look like Proton’s but too many spokes. Handbuilts?
and yes...
i even set up an email. cuz like it takes so long. and askgavia was actually available. ha!
Dear Gavia,
I understand that the good folks at the TdF have done away with the pre-race medicals ? Where will I get wacky pictures of cyclists pretending to be doctors and checking each other’s heart rates?
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