Unofficial Tour de France Podium Cafe Awards
by crashdan on Jul 28, 2008 2:30 PM EDT
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The time to celebrate the achievement of Carlos Sastre, Óscar Freire and Bernhard Kohl has arrived; But let us also consider some of the other awards that we, the fans of the Tour and members of the Podium Cafe, could see fit to award to various people who have come to our attention over the course of Le Tour.
Most Ravenous Fan Award
Winner: Nikki - Honestly, this one was pretty obvious. You have to imagine that the "C" and "V" keys on her keyboard have to be replaced at the end of every race that Garmin participate in. Her fan-ishness is both relentless and infectious.
Runner Up: callmecayce - Sarah's love of Sylvain Chavanel was a fervent, slowly simmering pot of fan-itude always threatening to boil over.
Honorable Mention: ElvisGoat - Really... that love for Oscarito is unholy.
Worst Thread Hijacking Award
Winner: "I Won a T-Shirt" (author = bethie) - This thread was originally a light hearted post about the various prizes on offer at various websites during the Tour de France and immediately devolved into Dan-bashing, Jimbo-bashing, Hottitude Discussion, Corn-dog love and various other topics completely unrelated to the subject at hand. While not as zen a hijacking as the empty story posted by Tifosa during the Giro, this was an outright threadjack of the highest order.
Runner Up: "China Offering Doping" (author = crashdan) - Honestly... did that thread have to touch on that subject?
HTFU Award
Winner: Damiano Cunego - The Little Prince crashed into a k-rail and looked like he fell into a paving machine after losing a fight with a meat grinder. Then he got up off the ground, climbed on his ride, and finished the stage. The HTFU Award doesn't require completion of the race (or necessarily the stage), just performing an act of such clear denial of pain and suffering that we all stare in amazement, and after seeing Cunego's face... that was pretty much textbook HTFU.
Runner Up: Sven Krauss - He shattered his bike on the road furniture, instantly stood up, got a replacement and continued on.
Honorable Mention: Cadel Evans - If he were more candid about the extent of his injuries from the unfilmed tumble he took early in the race, he would probably be the winner... but since we have no idea, he can't take this one.
Biggest Douche Award
Winner: Marc Sergeant - Marc gets the Golden Massengil for managing to assemble a useless team built shabbily around his GC threat, Cadel Evans. Then to top that off, bringing a world class sprinter to the tour, knowing damn well that the team couldn't give him an iota of support... and then that team not supporting the GC candidate in the end either. What sealed the deal was listening to him in the team car urging on Cadel during the final TT with all the enthusiasm and vigor of a Soviet bread line.
Runner up: I won't even acknowledge that little twerp's name.
Most Shocking Fan Revelation Award
Winner: MegaBeth for admitting she once attended a Young MC concert in order to Bust A Move. The Award committee certainly hopes that after the move was busted, she came to her senses.
Runner Up: Finding out that Jimbo's a girl
Honorable Mention: Finding out that Jimbo's not actually a girl, he just gets dropped by them in races.
Most Quoted Movie in Comments Award
Winner: The Big Lebowski - no, there was no competition here. The Dude had this one covered like a rug that ties the room together. From Donny being out of his element to Nihilists to Jeffrey being Fatuous... this one made the rounds.
Runner Up: Big Trouble in Little China - It wasn't quoted as much, but once the lid was off this can of worms, it actually spawned people going out to buy the DVD. Do we like "Big Trouble in Little China"? INDEED!
Most Uncelebrated Rider Award
Winner: Massimiliano Mori (Lampre) - This guy was mentioned a total of once on Podium Cafe the entire month of July, and that was just a transcript of a Damiano Cunego interview. Yet, without our noticing or paying attention, he dragged his body across the Pyrenees, across the Alps and went to help pace Cunego back to the finish after his massive crash... all without even a glimmer of glory. I don't know anything about this 27 year old, if he's a saint or a prick, but he did his job and finished the Tour in anonymity... and I want to shine just a little bit of light on the achievement of a working class rider.
Runner Up: No one really, everyone else got mentioned in a breakaway or in a funny comment or something.
Greatest Unacknowledged Sacrifice Award
Winner: The employers of Podium Cafe members - Seriously, they got a sum total of zero productivity out of us for nearly an entire month (not including classics season, the Giro, Tour build up, and right now as you read this). If they only knew...
Runner Up: Family and Friends - chances are, we weren't as sneaky about our July Passion with them as we were with our employers so the are relegated to being the runners up. Always remember, they are still around... and the Tour isn't. Thanks Friends and Family.
Most Annoying Advertisement Award
Winner: TapouT - if I don't have to see that clown car accident of a television ad again it will be too soon.
Runners Up: Michelob Ultra, Hampton Hotels, Saab, Enzyte, Shamwow, Ultimate Pushup, Foodsaver, Send Us Your Gold, MagikJack, Mike's Hard Lemonade and The Mogo Scooter
Rider with Greatest Increase in Fandom Award
Winner: Carlos Sastre - He made a stunning impression on all of us when he attacked at the base of the Alpe and rode away from the group and into history. He gets the award for winning el todo enchilada, le grand fromage, il gigante cannoli. That attack will certainly be remembered for a long, long, long time.
Runner Up: Mark Cavendish - His joy in winning along with showing a more marked maturity in dishing out the love for the hard work of his teammates, coupled with displaying utter dominance in the sprinting discipline, really opened a lot of eyes. He's come a long way from the frustrations of his '07 Tour during which he really lessened the respect a lot of us may have had for him.
Most Necessary Technology Award
Winner: Coffee Maker - Particularly for those of us out there in the Pacific Time Zone, the only way 99% of us made it through the day was with coffee. The other 1% had to be using something on the Banned List. I doubt a single one of us tried to go through a day commando style and even with the coffee, I certainly had a jour sans or two through the course of the last three weeks.
Runner Up: TiVo - the only reason TiVo doesn't make the top spot here is because so many of us idiots were intent on watching this shooting match live that having TiVo didn't mean bupkus. If only we could have lived 20 seconds into the future like people in Finland do.
Best New Word Award
Winner: Ploegmanager - Hell I have no idea what the word means, but I will be using it onomatopoeiacly in the future. Really, come on, everyone now... say it outloud... it's fun - "plurgmanager"
Runner Up: Doodjammer - "A Great Shame". If it weren't so close to "doodsmak" (best new word earlier in the '08 season), the uniqueness of it would have vaulted it into contention for top podium spot. Really though, it's hard to beat "Ploegmanager".
Grinta Award
Winner: Jens! and Tony - To see those two dishing out servings of suffering from the dining car on the pain train, knowing full well that they are suffering terribly themselves... wow. Grinta-defined.
Runner Up: Cadel Evans - If he'd managed to win while fending off the terrible twosome, then he'd be hip deep in praise. Unfortunately, despite his grinta, he came up wanting by a handful of seconds.
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Nicely done, Dan
I must say that I was disappointed this year that Ballzee chose not to advertise.
Also, was Joey in the Mike’s Hard Lemonade commercial the same guy in Dr. Horrible’s sign along blog? The one who admired the Hammer?
The China Doping(er, dumping) thread hijack was nasty
That won’t soon be forgotten. Ewwww sums it up. I definitely agree on the biggest douche award. That guy should be flogged for leaving Belgium with that team. Nice list by the way Dan.
If I just had one more gear, I...
Priceless
Crashdan you are without a doubt the greatest awardshow -host since David Letterman.
Carlos Sastre - Tour de France winner - Born From Jets
Most likely to hijack a thread award...
should go to Drew. Seriously. “The Drood” is the thread hijacker extraordinaire. I am more than happy to pile on but nine times out of ten, he is the shit starter… And for the shocking fan admission award, I nominate Sui for his admission that he always wanted to be Molly Ringwald. Wow. That takes some serious self confidence. Kudos Molly. My respect for you has grown…
"Crocs"...
...”Look like an idiot while making your feet smell like an innertube!”
Bueno Carlos!!!!!
Dammit... I forgot about that!
Mark didn’t admit that he wanted to be Molly Ringwald, he out and out said that he WAS Molly Ringwald.
Bueno Carlos!!!!!
Correct, but...
I have decided that what I think he said is more important than what he actually said. No reason to bring reality into it. Because if we limit ourselves to reality, then none of you will be able to bash me about crocs. And I would not want to take that fun away from you.
I'd like to clear the record.
I said I went to Young MC who opened for another act that shall remain nameless.
Just wanted to clarify that my shame does, in fact, go much deeper than seeing Young MC.
Most Uncelebrated Team Award
Ag2R – Only 15 minutes back on CSC. How the hell did they do that!
Final GC placings…
10 Tadej Valjavec (Slo) AG2R La Mondiale 9.05
11 Vladimir Efimkin (Rus) AG2R La Mondiale 9.55
21 Stéphane Goubert (Fra) AG2R La Mondiale 31.50
28 Cyril Dessel (Fra) AG2R La Mondiale 46.31
I seem to recall...
Efimkin and Cereal Dessel being in quite a few breakaways… that might be the answer to why they rank so high.
Bueno Carlos!!!!!
That should be the Marmotte Award...
... for discovery of an explanation to indecipherable foreign marketing.
Bueno Carlos!!!!!
Awesome Dan!
You should get some award for all the awesome stage previews you do too! Dad better have some goodies for all that work! (Maybe a pink jersey for you to wear – okay so it’s from the last GT, but still funny. Maybe better yet, he has a podium girl in there to give.)
And thank you for helping me get through my first day back at work in almost 3 weeks! I managed to follow up on cycling, email with “someone” who was with C and John on the Champs last night (so jealous!!!), and laugh out loud this afternoon! I so heart this place.
Thank you. :-)
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
You would think I would've been on top of that one.
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
I promise to share what I can when I hear more. :-)
My friend gets back on Wed. I personally could be to blame if C’s or Will’s or even Millar’s blackberries blew up after the last 3 weeks so I am trying to give them a few days of rest before I start cheering more Great Job notes their way and asking how it all was. I would imagine that they just want a break from the world for a few days. Alex Howes was there too and I hope he shares more on his blog. :-) I would imagine that a visit to the CSC party was done too so I hope people there share the fun notes as that HAD to be the party of the Tour!
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
How many times can we type the name
Massimiliano Mori
into this thread? And does it up the google search placement?
I don't think it improves the ranking by having the name appear in the comments...
... only if it appears in the body of the story… hence why searching for “Benna” doesn’t produce unbridled lust of the Ladies of Podium Cafe, only a “Gossip” entry appearing fifth down on the list.
That said…
Massimiliano Mori Massimiliano Mori Massimiliano Mori Massimiliano Mori Massimiliano Mori Massimiliano Mori
Bueno Carlos!!!!!
Thanks Dan, my laptop is covered in beer now....
Brilliant stuff, I just keep on laughing! ;-)
Have to dry this thing before some damage gets done…
so heart the google
it likes me, it really likes me!
i do so hope mori goes looking for himself and discovers his new fan club.
Best new blogger award
CrashDan by a mile.
If you don't have time to do it right the first time, when are you going to have time to do it again?
Oh dammit... there's one I forgot ...
Poetic Justice Award
Winner: Tom Boonen – Hey Tom… what do you think feels better… spending a night high on coke, or winning on the Champs-Élysées in front of hundreds of thousands of cheering spectators and an international TV audience. Either way, I’m sure neither of those fill you with that special warm glow quite like you felt seeing your leadout man winning the final sprint because you didn’t get the invite.
Bueno Carlos!!!!!
You KNOW
that had to sting.
"...The mind has to rule the body and tell the body, shut up and do what I tell you to do..." Jens!
Maybe
though he can drown his sorrows watching video of the two times he’d already won there.
"If writing too much about the Classics is wrong, I don't want to be right."
by Chris Fontecchio on Jul 28, 2008 6:01 PM EDT up reply actions
Poetic Justice Award, runner up:
Ivan Basso, who used to be the team leader at CSC and could have won the Tour de France clean with the support of his team, who would (quoting Jens!!) “die on the bike” for him. I hope he was watching.
And another one I forgot...
... (I had these written down in notepad on the home computer and forgot to send ‘em to myself)...
Gratuitous Bike Toss Award
Winner: Bernard Hinault – While he didn’t actually toss a bike, he did throw a protester off of a podium which is almost enough to change the title of this award.
Runner Up: Sven Krauss – Near as I can tell, he’s the only guy that managed to get the frame of his bike above shoulder level the entire tour… and somehow he managed to do that without taking out 30 other guys. Chapeau!
Honorable Mention: John-Lee Augustyn – It takes a special person to throw their bike off an Alpine pass. It takes inspiration to throw yourself after it.
Bueno Carlos!!!!!
Anybody ever hear
whether Barloworld got that bike back?
by NE Observer on Jul 28, 2008 10:47 PM EDT up reply actions
We've also got to come up with something for Gavia
who, despite her questionable judgment, has been able to satisfy our collective thirst for the story behind the story. It was a metric fuckton of work, but universally appreciated.
for reasons I can’t quite understand, she was not interested in my offer of internet marriage for a can of beer. Women. Eesh.
You read my thoughts!!!
Gavia gets highest honors for Gossip Goodness for sure!!!
Thanks Tifosa and Mark for feeding our enjoyment!
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
There's someone in bike shorts on that stage?
All I see are two girls, a bouquet of flowers and a massive bottle of prosecco that will be used later during the shower scene in my mind…
Bueno Carlos!!!!!
dayum
that photo looks good every time i see it.
heh, can he go to a bike race somewhere already? it’s a been a little too long.
and really, we need to start the letter writing campaign now. because he must come to cali. it’s totally required.
um. yeah.
i swear the italian teams have a separate bus for their products. and i’m not talking about doping…
You could go after a grant
researching the effects of how hair products hold up after being in helmet for 5-7 hours of riding. Surely, there is a company or country out there willing to grant this $. Very important stuff.
...can I drive?
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
esatto
A project of such importance clearly calls for a team approach.
by Susie Hartigan on Jul 28, 2008 8:14 PM EDT up reply actions
No time commitment is too great!
Even if we all have to spend, weeks, nay, months (say, the months from Tirreno-Adriatico to Giro d’Lombardia) criss-crossing Italy, tirelessly ogling, err, observing, the research subjects, it would not be too high a price to pay for the rewards. That is, the increase in the body of knowledge. Or, knowledge of body. Whichever.
by Susie Hartigan on Jul 28, 2008 8:29 PM EDT up reply actions
I would like to contribute
the research I have already carried out on Pippo’s hair. Seeing as I had to wait about an hour for him to emerge from his room in Alpe d’Huez (before he went for a relaxing evening stroll with Nibali and Quinziato), I would say the hair products took quite a battering during the stage. That’s quite a lot of mirror time, but there was not a hair out of place!
excellent work
This is just the sort of investigation we need, though I do think we need a slightly closer look and repeat observations.
Oh have no fear!
I am happy to go back with stopwatch, camera and magnifying glass as many times as necessary!
Oh I'm prepared for anything!
You can now view me in action, getting up close to Pippo’s hair, on my new fanpost.
tee hee hee - so full of giggles tonight - I love you guys!
BUT – the does bring me to a very important question – What the HELL happened to Jens!! seat yesterday on the Champs? Brass balls we know but WOW!
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
Ok, but he needs to come to the Tour of Britain too!!
I am going to be a steward and surely that would guarantee me access into the Leakygas bus….just to check that they’re all ready to race.
Just to clarify,
that comment was supposed to be in reaction to our favourite Benna piccie, but for some reason it ended up down here. I do not make a habit of landing on my office floor!
It re-read and re-read and re-read that...
... until I realized that “fuckton” wasn’t a typo.
In my original notes I had “Excellence in Translation Award” for Gavia… but there were so many people that were also providing post-race translations that I didn’t want to get exclusive… i wanted it to be inclusive and didn’t have the time to look up all the people who had contributed.
To those watching from the cheap seats in the stands… that offer of marriage was proposed on the “I won a t-shirt” thread!
Bueno Carlos!!!!!
grazie :-)
so much fun this cafe place.
it’s a big commitment, internet marriage. i just have to think it over a while, that’s all. maybe if i could have the can of beer first, that would help me think?
well
to be honest, the whole experience made me realize that internet marriage just isn’t for me (just like a night in Vegas once made me realize that marriage wasn’t for me – remind me to tell you about that sometime, Megabeth).
But you can still have the beer.
depends on my training
I don’t mind getting girled (by, say, you), but getting dropped by Drew on a climb? Nuh uh.
I'm hoping (okay maybe praying) Crashdan
develops a rope type pull thingy for us non-climbers to hang on to while he motorpaces you climber types up the hills. Otherwise I announce it now – party time in the Grupetto for sure!!!
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
lol, well...
maybe we could just go on a flat ride, then. much better for the chattin’ anyway.
and with this crowd? there will be chattin’
Awww... come on Gavia. Do you know how much courage it takes for a man to propose?
Give the guy a break. Don’t schleck him.
Or at least get something good out of him
before you doodsmak him. I mean really, a can of beer? At least try for a case of good beer, in bottles even, or a pony keg of some good micro brew…
you offering?
a case of good beer. hmm, yes, this tour of cali party is going to be quite nice, isn’t it. we’d better get the bike part out of the way good and early, though, with all this beer talkin’
Let's not confuse Sui's online proposal
with my offer to host the party. The party will have good beer. And if you can make it to the party, you shall have your fill. And as a special thanks to you specifically for your outstanding work as the resident translator/gossip columnist/dear abby, name the beer and I will get a case of it just for you…
ask for some wine for your non-beer drinking friends
or maybe we should aim for a bacardi mojito party!
we’ve got a few months to practice the moves
I think my grandmother soaked her feet in that stuff...
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
Tee hee! I so want to see our guys that have mastered the Doublejointed Ass thingy!
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
I was unaware that there was going to be a male component to the competition...
... but as that appears to be the case, I suggest that we require Drew to participate dressed as the green skinned Orion Slave Girl from Star Trek. Either that or as Princess Leia with Sui Juris as Jabba the Hut.
Bueno Carlos!!!!!
I never made any remark saying I wanted to be Leia...
... it was the peanut gallery that interpreted that as such… all because I told Bruce of the Bruce Gap that he was my only hope at translating something. God, you guys read the silliest stuff in the most innocent of things.
Now excuse me while I primp my buns.
Bueno Carlos!!!!!
Dan doesn't say it but he fails
to ever deny wanting to be here either in that thread.... :-P
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
Don't forget the bottle opening flip flops!
Then when you sober up enough to say no, you can say he got the color of the flops wrong, it wasn’t him. ha ha ha!!!
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
Reef Sandals
Best f’in invention ever!
Just got back from a week at the beach. Those things were indispensable..
Hey Dan -
Because we may not tell you this very often (as it might add more lines to your master of the universe list, but) -
You ROCK!
Thanks for a great thready!!!
"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."
Fränk has the:
“I hope this photo-op never ends”-look on his face.
Carlos Sastre - Tour de France winner - Born From Jets
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