All The Lies That You Told Me
by fmk on Oct 28, 2009 5:04 PM EDT
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PrintRecently, someone asked why it is that there’s so many junkies who protest and protest and protest their innocence. The implication of the question was that if a lie lasts forever it’s probably true and we should just believe the lying cheating bastards and assume that the tests really don’t work. But what if the lying cheating bastards really are just lying after all? How many times would they have to fool us before we’d say shame on us and not just shame on them?
"It must be a mistake."
"A magical twin did it and vanished."
"Someone must have spiked my drink."
"It’s a false positive – the tests don’t work."
"I drank too much whiskey the night before."
"I didn’t inject – I only enquired about injections."
"I have naturally high testosterone / cocaine levels."
"It’s not doping cause it’s only banned by the IOC, not the UCI."
"I’ve done nothing wrong. If I had I’d have lied about my address."
"The drugs found in my car / kitchen / garage were for my wife / mother-in-law / dog."
"It's not in my job description to ask the team doctor what was in the injections he gave me."
"Sure it’s a banned substance, but I have a back-dated prescription saying it’s ok for me to take it."
"Of course it’s a lot of money to pay for a training programme I never received. But the guy came highly recommended."
Today’s revelation that Andrei Agassi – the stubble-headed stud-muffin and tennis superstar – junked up on crystal meth and lied about having done so is an apt example of a junkie who got caught and then decided to brazen it out by telling porkies and professing his innocence. Until finally – a mere dozen or so years after the fact – he realised that confession was good for the soul. Or the bank balance, if you're Monty and want to be cynical about it.
In 1997 Agassi was in the midst of a dip in form and having doubts about his looming marriage to Brooke Shields. (Who wouldn't have doubts about marrying Brooke Shields?) So when an assistant suggested getting high on crystal meth, Agassi decided to give it a go. As you do when offered some gack. It'd be impolite to refuse. Funnily, while drugs have opened the doors of perception for many an artist down through the years, their effect on Agassi was to turn him into a mucho macho version of Kim ‘n’ Aggie:
"I’ve never felt so alive, so hopeful — and I’ve never felt such energy. I’m seized by a desperate desire to clean. I go tearing around my house, cleaning it from top to bottom. I dust the furniture. I scour the tub. I make the beds."
Alas and alack and ochone agus ochone oh, but the come down wasn’t so hot for Agassi. Subjected to a dope test, he failed. Advised that his failure could result in a three-month suspension, Agassi did what so many others before and since have done – he lied:
"My name, my career, everything is now on the line. Whatever I’ve achieved, whatever I’ve worked for, might soon mean nothing. Days later I sit in a hard-backed chair, a legal pad in my lap, and write a letter to the ATP. It’s filled with lies interwoven with bits of truth. I say Slim, whom I’ve since fired, is a known drug user, and that he often spikes his sodas with meth — which is true. Then I come to the central lie of the letter. I say that recently I drank accidentally from one of Slim’s spiked sodas, unwittingly ingesting his drugs. I ask for understanding and leniency and hastily sign it: Sincerely."
The ATP — determined to stamp out doping within their sport — examined all the evidence available to them, considered Agassi's heart-felt confession that it was all just a silly little mistake and decided to dismiss the case without even slapping him on the wrist and telling him not to let it happen again. Ah for those innocent days before those jack-booted fascists in WADA came along and decided to pick on the poor and the defenceless.
So remember, the next time you hear a cyclist who’s been caught with his hand in the cookie jar come up with ever more inventive excuses to explain his positive test, the presumption of innocence has been shat upon by so many before him that you really should just take his protestations of innocence with a pinch of sodium chloride. Which you can conveniently find in the crocodile tears the lying cheating bastard is probably shedding.
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Seems I'm not the only one to link Agassi and cycling ...
… but surprisingly the Gruan went for a different angle.
As well as confessing to having lied about using crystal meth, Agassi’s book sees him claiming to have always secretly hated tennis “with a dark and secret passion.” And so the Gruan casts around for other sporting personalties who have also claimed to hate their sport. And comes up with the cases of Chris Boredom and St David of the Slipstream .
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
I actually have a friend for whom the idea of a hunk o’ burnin’ love like Agassi doing the cleaning counts as a wet-dream.
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
at the risk of sounding like a soft on doping legalise drugs liberal
i’m reminded of how i felt when the tom boonen cocaine thing broke…big name in his sport, personal issues both related and unrelated to his profession, highly successful despite the obviousness of said issues..i feel sorry for agassi, as i did/do for boonen.
him taking this recreational drug (crystal meth is not performance-enhancing, go check out the louis theroux documentary on meth addicts) was, to my mind, an extension of his personal issues. sure he shouldn’t have lied, but under the circumstances, with his livelihood at stake, i can see why he did.
figures like agassi and boonen were always going to get crucified by the media for getting involved in recreational drugs, rightly or wrongly. i don’t think that means they are the same as dopers.
"well...you live in england so: you love the rain. loves the queen. hates cycling. based on mr bean had a tremendous amount of humour. all ride in a mini cooper. all getting drunk before the age of 12. getting drunk at least 3 times a day."- frinking, 7/9/09
Don't feel sorry for him now, he has it quite made
married to Steffi Graf, a few children, and a very successful career behind him. Although I find it a bit funny WADA is looking into this case now. I really don’t believe Meth is that great of a performance enhancer.
Dammit Elk! I don't care if it's your mating season, you are disturbing my peaceful sleep! Just STFU!
More importantly, it’s well outside the statute of limitations and happened at a time when WADA didn’t even exist.
Really though, Fahey’s comment is more a bit of look-at-us flag-waving – he’s saying this sort of crap couldn’t happen today.
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
WADA does love a good headline
plus they kind of have to now it’s come out don’t they? i doubt there will be any sanctions or anything like that..
"well...you live in england so: you love the rain. loves the queen. hates cycling. based on mr bean had a tremendous amount of humour. all ride in a mini cooper. all getting drunk before the age of 12. getting drunk at least 3 times a day."- frinking, 7/9/09
As I’ve said, there’s no scope for sanctions. It’s outside of the statute of limitations. And WADA have no jurisdiction on the matter. The worst the ATP can do is slap Agassi on the wrist for bringing the sport into disrepute. But as he’s retired, I don’t see how they can do that either.
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
go check out the louis theroux documentary
Entertaining as he sometimes is, I have to confess to rarely (if ever) using Theroux’s programmes to actually learn anything and would tend to distrust anything I did learn from one of them without verifying it via a reputable source.
That said, I’m not saying that crystal meth is performance enhancing. In the Times article (linked to) Agassi’s transgression is clearly stated as being of the recreational variety, not the performance enhancing kind. But it’s also stated that there was a ban to be served.
under the circumstances, with his livelihood at stake, i can see why he did.
I can see why all the junkies persist in protesting their innocence even after they’ve been caught – they’ve too much to lose and will cling on to anything left to them.
That doesn’t excuse them though.
And nothing excuses Agassi’s lying. As for the media crucifying him – have you checked the reaction today? On the whole, I’d say it was very sympathetic toward him.
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
you talk about scientific proof
then indiscriminately label these people junkies? i take your point though, theroux is a bit of a lame example. i do actually agree with your post in the main, i just think there are better targets for our vitriol.
"well...you live in england so: you love the rain. loves the queen. hates cycling. based on mr bean had a tremendous amount of humour. all ride in a mini cooper. all getting drunk before the age of 12. getting drunk at least 3 times a day."- frinking, 7/9/09
Indiscriminately? Hardly. I require them to fail a doping test or get caught in possession of doping products. And then to insult my intelligence by coming up with a lame excuse.
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
Muahaha and the most people buy
“Of course it’s a lot of money to pay for a training programme I never received. But the guy came highly recommended.”
hehe
What do you fear most?
1. coup d’etat
2. putsch
I was thinking of either
a) putting this up as a power poll and letting people vote for their fave excuse; or
b) challenging y’all to guess the junkie behind each excuse.
But then I got distracted by the thought of Agassi doing the cleaning … oops! there I go again …
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
I love the power poll idea :)
"How strange it was to see men doing something beautiful. Something pointless and elegant." Tim Winton, 'Breath'
Well then let’s have some nominations for the excuses I missed and when I can get over the idea of Agassi doing the cleaning, we’ll vote for an all-time fave..
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
i love
“i have naturally high testosterone/cocaine levels” (both are really good)
And “the drugs were for my girlfriend/mother-in-law/dog.” Hilarious.
The naturally high whatever levels is a bit of a generic excuse.
The other one though – well, the other three – are all real and offered in doping enquiries. Rumsas said they were for his mother in law, I think. Vandenbroucke claimed they were for his doggie. Was it Frigo who blamed his wife? I’ll check me notes later when I get a chance.
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
Leukemans...
" I was making love when the testers arrived, resulting in higher (synthetic!) testosterone levels"
"If I were World Road Race Champion, I would wear black shorts. That probably has more to do with me being on the wiser side of 30 and understanding better that the decisions I make now never really go away. White shorts would not be something I'd be proud of...." - David Millar, in Rouleur.
Oh yes, that's my fave by a mile
What a stud. Pity for him that no amount of bonking is gonna cause synthetic hormones to materialise in one’s body
i don't understand why
they’re testing for recreational drugs. Nor what gives them the right to. At least if i were king they’d not have the right to. If Boonen wants to go to cocaine parties or agassi wants to get high and dust the house, none of my affair. Why the hell would they test professional athletes for this stuff – besides it’s just asking for trouble.
Because it's forbidden during stagedays..
So if they test they do all the round. (For aninomity, you don’t spell it that way!)
What do you fear most?
1. coup d’etat
2. putsch
But if they test positive out of competition, is it any of their (the testers) business to tell the world?
"If I were World Road Race Champion, I would wear black shorts. That probably has more to do with me being on the wiser side of 30 and understanding better that the decisions I make now never really go away. White shorts would not be something I'd be proud of...." - David Millar, in Rouleur.
Hmm, yes, I guess.
I suppose I’m saying that I don’t really think it should get into the press…if criminal investigations are not being made then it’s a private matter.
"If I were World Road Race Champion, I would wear black shorts. That probably has more to do with me being on the wiser side of 30 and understanding better that the decisions I make now never really go away. White shorts would not be something I'd be proud of...." - David Millar, in Rouleur.
There might be a provision in the contract that their conduct is defined by not failing any drug test.
Letting the news out publicly can be a powerful deterrent.
Formerly known in some circles as flying dog.
I'm with you :)
"How strange it was to see men doing something beautiful. Something pointless and elegant." Tim Winton, 'Breath'
Two reasons I can think of:
1. because there’s no clear line between a recreational drug and an enhancing drug.
see belgian mix…
Meth, AKA yaabaa, is most certainly taken as a way for people to work longer and harder without feeling tired or losing alertness. Does it enhance muscle strength? No, presumably not. But in practical terms, that isn’t the only sort of performance enhancement.
2. depending on the type of test, there can be some cross-identification of chemically related compounds. In the process of narrowing in on the ones that are performance enhancing, you may uncover others that are “merely” illegal. At that point, it depends on the laws of your country—and the terms of the testing contract and the athlete’s contract—whether that must also be disclosed.
Remember contracts? I happen to feel that a lot more choices in life should be legal (even stupid, destructive choices) but breaking contracts that you’ve signed isn’t generally on that list. OK, I do have some sympathy when the issue involves non-negotiable clauses included in every contract in a sport…which should probably be addressed by the players’ union.
For better or worse, this is not the place for a general discussion of the ubiquitous US “drug free workplace” laws that allow testing which may pick up traces of secondhand smoke, or a friday night indulgence on the following monday morning.
yes, i can see meth
being considered an in-competition performance drug. But not out of competition.
Contracts – yeah team sports if you’ve signed a contract, ok. But Agassi? Hingis?
And as for the US drug free workplace stuff and all the drug testing – Nasty fascist Big Brother if you ask me. I find it all to be very very creepy.
There is also the question
of whether you should test for substances that are not of themselves performance-enhancing but which potentially act as masking agents for substances which are.
Now why would you want to test for them civetta? That’s totally unfair so it is. Either it’s a PED and you test for it or it’s not a PED and you don’t. Them should be the rules.
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
Is this sarcasm?
Felling dense I guess, if this became the rule I know a good business selling masking drugs.
Irony darling, irony. Sarcasm is for plebs.
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
mais non
“Je réclame de vivre pleinement la contradiction de mon temps qui peut faire d’un sarcasme la condition de la vérité”.
1st – this was 1997. The ATP made up it’s own rules then. As did cycling;
2nd – recreational doping is only ok in OOC tests. In competition, it’ll get you banned.
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
yes but i question the legitimacy of it getting you banned
except in cases as jfs-pgh mentions above where it’s not clear that the drug is not also performance enhancing. Yeah, those are the rules, i am just saying i don’t like them.
No one’s asked to like them. Just to enforce them and to obey them :)
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
sounds rather dictatorial
in a democracy we can discuss whether we like/agree with rules. We can hope to change those we don’t agree with.
Look, anything that makes you want to clean the house
has to be unnatural and dangerous. It was banned for his own good!
I don't understand they’re testing for recreational drugs.
Ok, enough of this distraction already. If I recall the rules correctly – and I’ve no intention of going off to give myself a migraine by rechecking them just for this – they don’t actually talk about recreational drugs.
They talk about recreational use.
Cocaine – which in the real world is dubbed a recreational drug – is a prohibited substance in the world of anti-doping. The only time you get a get out of gaol free card with it is when you’re caught using it via an OOC test – ie recreational use, not recreational drug.
Do these so-called recreational drugs have performance enhancing capacities? Believe it or not, the jury’s still out on that question. Anecdotal evidence – eg Agassi’s claim that crystal meth filled him full of energy – are dismissed by some in the science community but accepted by others. Some scientists – even accepting the enrgy-burst argument – dismiss its performance enhancing capabilities by pointing out that the side-effects of the energy-burst crystal meth might give you would be offset by its other effects. But some other scientists will give you a solution for that – which you inject half-an-hour after taking the crystal meth and just hope you don’t have to submit to a dope test, cause it’s on the banned list too.
Maybe we should just stop testing for all drugs on which the jury is still out? Wouldn’t that be a neat solution to this lil ol’ conundrum we find outrselves in? But among the drugs that would take off the list is HGH. Cause the sports-science community seems riven by argumenst ofver whther HGH is any more effective than taking sugar pills (ie it’s all down to the placebo effect).
Ya see, this ain’t a cut-and-dried black-and-white world, this world of anti-dopinng. It’s a constantly changing world. One year caffeine use is banned, the next it’s just monitored. Why? Because our understanding of science is constantly evolving and the committe that approves the banned list constantly has to adjust their attitudes as evidence comes in for and against the inclusion of certain substances. Sure, it’s not evolving fast enough in the world of sports-science but that has more than a little to do with a general reluctance to use some of top athletes as guinea pigs and let scientists shoot them up with this that and the other and go away and write a paper about it.
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
I thought of two more
Peruvian candy – Simoni. Might actually have been true.
Lithuanian orphanage – Rumsas. Might not have been true.
I still don't get the whole testing for recreational drugs isn't right or is fascist
We’re talking about cycling, which is about teams. Those teams have sponsors whom the riders represent on and off the bike. Getting busted for drugs in/out of competition or recreational/performance enhancing damages the sponsor’s image and what they are trying to sell. It’s pretty simple, the sponsors are looking out for their business interests and should be a drug free workplace. I’m not saying that because I’m big brother or fascist, I’m saying it because it makes sense.
If I just had one more gear, I...
No, there's a twist
There should not be any testing for recreational drugs, at least not by work-related organisations, so there would be no image problems for the sponsors. I fully agree w/ Yeehoo on this. It’s political cover-yer-ass syndrome, bah!!
+2
"well...you live in england so: you love the rain. loves the queen. hates cycling. based on mr bean had a tremendous amount of humour. all ride in a mini cooper. all getting drunk before the age of 12. getting drunk at least 3 times a day."- frinking, 7/9/09
but to what degree do want to give an employer
control over your personal life because it makes business sense for the employer? Just because something makes good business sense doesn’t mean a company should have the right to do it.
plus,
that’s another reason not to test for recreational drugs. Bad publicity, bad business. I have a hard time seeing what is gained by it.
I agree. Positive dope tests = bad publicy = bad business. QED we should ban fortwith all dope testing and just watch the money rolling into the sport. I have a hard time seeing what’s not to be gained by it.
Thought thinking about it a moment … the bad publicity associated with the increase in dead bodies rolling out of the sport might hurt … but I’m sure we could hire a PR flak to massage that and put it all then to SADS. Yeah, we can make this one work folk – ban the tests!
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
Is that really true?
I’m always surprised how easy sports find it to brush away the deaths. How may here could even name the Belgian kid who was found dead earlier this year in Qatar. Or the South African who died after an operation went wrong (Tuttobiciweb had a short piece on the startlingly high incidence if Iliac artery problems among cyclists, but I’ve yet to see any similar concern elsewhere on a problem that looks to be unrelated to drugs). Even the reports on the death of Vandenbroucke didn’t stop to wonder why a top athlete should show signs of heart problems in the post-mortem examination.
I’ve yet to see any similar concern elsewhere on a problem that looks to be unrelated to drugs
It’s there in football, isn’t it? You get a spate of heart-attacks on the playing / training fields and it’s SADS, SADS, SADS.
Wasn’t there a story about a suspicously high mortality rate among ex members of some Italian club? I think Gazza played for them one time …
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
by fmk on Nov 2, 2009 8:58 AM EST up reply actions
The idea that someone has no choice but to sign the contract is wrong.
As long as the employer can find enough people willing to work under the conditions of the contract then it shouldn’t be an issue. If one doesn’t like the rules at one outfit then they can go somewhere else.
Formerly known in some circles as flying dog.
no, not necessarily.
Employees need protection from abusive employer policies. that’s why we have labor laws and unions. The 40 hour week, laws against child labor and dangerous working conditions, the minimum wage, minimum vacation time, etc etc. If you just leave it to the market and the employers with no protection of employees you have 19th century working conditions. Good luck with that.
Anyway i consider this kind of drug testing as an invasion of privacy that should be banned for most professions. Just my opinion.
And mine. Thanks yeehoo...
"How strange it was to see men doing something beautiful. Something pointless and elegant." Tim Winton, 'Breath'
Yeah... but I bet those lazy 19th century workers...
… were glad they weren’t working back in the 17th century, when work was HARD!
"Jens! is my favorite rider. I love watching him handing out plates of hot, steaming suffer!" - Mahatma Gandhi
eeh bah gum lad, it were all a lot harder when me dad were a lad …
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
by fmk on Nov 2, 2009 8:59 AM EST up reply actions
One of those little lies
may be coming back to bite. You may remember that when Sella was nabbed he said that his supplier was teammate Matteo Priamo. But Priamo had an alibi of the “I was at Rigoletto’s” kind, as did he for each of the two other occasions when little Manny thought that he might have been given the Cera. Now it seems that the prosecutor in Padua has some evidence that Priamo was actually at home on some of the nights in question, so he could now be facing charges not just for supplying but also for telling porkies.
And people wonder why he didn’t even net a 10% discount on his tariff … that said, I’m shocked – nay stunned! staggered! – that a junkie would lie. Thank the lord I’m sitting down or I fear I might have fallen over.
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
+1 spike...
Several close friends would concur.
i’m the spoonman. talks to god. transfusion. penetration.
i’m the spoonman. talks to god. transfusion. penetration.
i’m the spoonman. talks to god. transfusion. penetration.
"Jens! is my favorite rider. I love watching him handing out plates of hot, steaming suffer!" - Mahatma Gandhi
Shorter post...
1) Anyone who takes drugs is a junkie
2) Junkies lie
3) Andre Agassi did not like having sex with Brooke Shields
4) Tennis is a sport, so is cycling, therefore cyclists do not like having sex with Brooke Shields either (not sure about this one)
Not sure either
I mean, I have heard of the base line and service line but where is the finish line in tennis?
strike!
"Jens! is my favorite rider. I love watching him handing out plates of hot, steaming suffer!" - Mahatma Gandhi
The problem I always had with tennis is that no matter how hard I practiced as a kid, I was never as good as the wall.
pounding along in three ratios like a sonata
like a Ritter with pommelled scrotum atra cura on the step
Botticelli from the fork down pestling the transmission
tires bleeding voiding zeep the highway
by fmk on Nov 2, 2009 9:00 AM EST up reply actions
I took tylenol after working out because I was sore...
… thus increasing my performance at work by reducing the difficulty I had in lifting things. I also drank caffeinated beverages to keep me awake, thus increasing my performance output beyond what would be natural. Does that make me junkie Jimbo?
"Jens! is my favorite rider. I love watching him handing out plates of hot, steaming suffer!" - Mahatma Gandhi
That's that place in Tijuana, right?
"Jens! is my favorite rider. I love watching him handing out plates of hot, steaming suffer!" - Mahatma Gandhi
to be fair
Michael Jackson didn’t want to have sex with Brooke Shields either. I’m not yet sure where that fits in the puzzle, but it seems relevant.
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