MSR: What do the stars say?

Analysis, schmanalysis. We can argue endlessly about who's peaking now, who's hungriest for the win, who has the best team support, who is or isn't sandbagging about their chances on Saturday. Or we can just ask online prediction calculators and find out the easy way!

I picked a handful of favorites for  Milan-Sanremo and looked up their astrological charts and biorhythms for March 21, checked their numerology, and finally consulted the Magic 8 Ball. So, who's going to win? Find out the results below the fold.

The "favorites" include high-placing finishers from last year and people who have been discussed as favorites here or in the press. Apologies if I missed anybody you think should be there. They are presented alphabetically below. My comments are in italics to keep them separate from the generated predictions.

Numerology isn't included for each rider because only 3 of the favorites have numbers that vibrate with the date: Cavendish, Hushovd, and Rebellin. How much of an advantage will that give them is unknown, but take it into consideration as you read through the rest of the findings.

The Magic 8 Ball was asked the same question in each instance: Will [name] win Milan-Sanremo this year? Instead of repeating that each time, I've just given the answer. It picked six winners, even though I kept telling it that wasn't possible. Maybe they'll come in with the same time?

Lance Armstrong. Oh, come on--how could I not include him? Biorhythm: Very high emotional, high intellectual, middling-low physical. Might not be up to the demands of the race, but never discount his force of will. Horoscope: You will have sudden bursts of anger, a changeable humor, and your circle will never know what to expect from you - they will be on the defensive. Er…nothing but good news for Lance here. You will not be able to tolerate the slightest order from your bosses, especially if they are curt. Listen to JB, all right? Sounds like a typical day for Lance, but whoever wins MSR is going to need the kind of luck not apparent in this chart.
Magic 8 Ball: Yes

Daniele Bennati. Biorhythm: top of chart intellectual, very high physical, low emotional—so good day, if he can keep it together. Horoscope: Good physical resistance, you will be able to undertake lengthy tasks, without getting too tired. BUT: Beware of accidents resulting from your hastiness and lack of forethought. Your vision will be clouded, you will have too much confidence in your ability and your judgment will be faulty. Lack of forethought and not enough prudence may cause problems, setbacks or accidents. Maybe the high intellectual biorhythm will make up for the astrologically-mandated carelessness and he won't crash out after all.  Magic 8 Ball: No way!

Tom Boonen. Biorhythm: Very low emotional and intellectual, just above middling physical. Horoscope: It is a very good period to undertake a difficult and long job: you will have all the talents required for success. BUT: You will not see things straight. You will be too optimistic about your chances of success and your ambitions will be greater than your ability to carry them out. Mixed, but doesn't look good.
Magic 8 Ball: Yes

Mark Cavendish. Biorhythm: Bottom of the chart intellectual, low emotional, just above middling physical. Horoscope: chart has a LOT going on and is split, with a tilt toward the positive: You will have a lot of luck. You will know how to grasp every opportunity. You will have a lot of luck and happiness. You will be in a good mood, happy and feeling good. Your circle will appreciate you, you will delight them. You will have unexpected good fortune and lucky opportunities. Your professional life will change considerably for the better. You will need to move about, will be highly active - all this with a spirit of adventure and freedom. You will be ready for any change, development, unaccustomed or special new activity. You will be in good health and have lots of vitality. You will be in full control, on top form, vigorous, powerful, resistant and dynamic. You might spend all your energy in your professional life. Success is guaranteed. You will finally realize your plans, after long and painstaking work, thanks to your patience, to your experience, which you have always known how to use, to your common sense and also because you have never lost sight of your objective.

BUT: You will be very tired and any effort will be painful. This transit is not good for the health and, as you will not be on form, your spirits won't be high either. You might lose heart, and be in an even worse humor. You will be dogged by bad luck, which will make you fail in everything. You will not be in good form, and will be easily discouraged. The least amount of activity will be beyond your strength. You will not be able to assume your responsibilities. You will be cowed, incapable, demoralized and tired of everything.

So…will the positive influences overcome the negative—or do they reflect before and after the Poggio? Don't forget the numerology boost...
Magic 8 Ball: Absolutely!

Philippe Gilbert. Biorhythm: Very high physical, high emotional, low intellectual [let’s hope the S-L DS is up to the task of strategizing for you, dude]. Horoscope: You will not listen to any advice, even good [uh oh], although you will have a lot of trouble putting your ideas into practice. BUT: All difficulties, hurdles will disappear thanks to unexpected help. Although you will lack reason and logic, your psychic faculties (such as inspiration and clairvoyance) are likely to be highly tuned. Will the unexpected help be enough to overcome the negatives here?
Magic 8 Ball: Maybe

Heinrich Haussler. Biorhythm: High physical, above middle intellectual and emotional. Note: The only biorhythm chart among the favorites with no negative aspects. Horoscope: Period when you will be in top physical shape. From the mental point of view, thanks to your physical form, you will be full of go, confidence, ready to do a thousand things. You will be full of bravado, courageous, determined and bubbly. You must take advantage of this time to finish all your matters in hand. Difficulties will just disappear in front of your energy You will resolve all your problems with disconcerting ease. You will be in great health, with lots of energy that you know how to channel. You will have a lot of luck and will achieve the goals you set yourself. Success is guaranteed. Very good time to enter a competition, if you are sporty. BUT: You will lose interest and leave aside your obligations. You will be unashamed, indifferent and irreverent. You may break the law. You will work ceaselessly. Difficulties, opposition and delays will get in the way of your success. Looks very, very good for Haussler--positives far outweigh the negatives, and I'm guessing he's unlikely to lose interest during the race. Go, kangaroo!
Magic 8 Ball: Definitely

Thor Hushovd. Biorhythms: Dead center of the chart physical and intellectual, low emotional. Horoscope: You will feel on top form, like a teenager. You will want to move about, to go out, to meet new people. You will know how to express your ideas in a good-humored way, frankly, sincerely and convincingly. Good time for business. No professional or emotional worries. BUT: You will feel uneasy, with a sort of unease that you cannot explain. Sounds like a better day to hang out with sponsors than to race. On the other day, it’s a very lucky day for Thor according to numerology.
Magic 8 Ball: Maybe

Mirco Lorenzetto. Biorhythm: very low physical, very high emotional, middling-high intellectual. Sounds like his good mood will make it hurt less when he loses. Horoscope: You will want to be alone, and will have problems putting up with your circle. [Breakaway time?] You will not be in good form [It fails.] You will be careless, superficial and thoughtless. To sum up: not a good day in store.
Magic 8 Ball: Outlook not so good

Alessandro Petacchi. Biorhythm: Very high physical and emotional, bottom of the chart intellectual. Horoscope: You will have a lot of luck. You will know how to grasp every opportunity. You will have a lot of vitality and be bursting with energy. You will carry out your plans with a lot of style, you will achieve your objectives. You will know when to take the right decisions at the right time. No negatives in the chart. A win for Ale-Jet may be in the stars—as long as his low intellectual biorhythm doesn’t make him do something stupid.
Magic 8 Ball: Absolutely!

Filippo Pozzato. Biorhythm: Very high physical, high emotional, very low intellectual. Dude, listen to the DS. Horoscope: You will achieve what you intend on the professional level. You will know how to grasp your opportunities. You will succeed more through the support of friends and colleagues more than by your own personal qualities. BUT: Distractions and dreams will make you lose contact with reality. You will trust people who do not at all deserve it. Hmm. Looks like a good shot at a win, as long as the untrustworthy people don't double-cross him during the race--and he doesn't do anything dumb.
Magic 8 Ball: Absolutely!

Davide Rebellin. Biorhythm: Top of the chart physical and intellectual, bottom of the chart emotional. Great chance of win if doesn’t let emotion get in the way. Horoscope: You will be in good health and have lots of vitality. You will be in full control, on top form, vigorous, powerful, resistant and dynamic. Success is guaranteed. BUT: Your ambitions will outstrip your abilities. You will be too vain, impertinent, self-satisfied. Your methods for achieving success could be outside the law. You could become violent to get what you want. Don't take any risks. Another mixed chart. He might win--if he doesn't get relegated.
Magic 8 Ball: Outlook not so good

Greg Van Avermaet. Biorhythm: Low physical, low intellectual, just above average emotional. Blah. But don’t count him out, because… Horoscope: You will have a lot of luck. Your professional life will be easy, with no problems: you will succeed easily. You will know how to grasp every opportunity. You will have unexpected good fortune and lucky opportunities. Your professional life will change considerably for the better. You will need to move about, will be highly active - all this with a spirit of adventure and freedom. You will be ready for any change, development. You will realize your plans, certainly because of your brilliant and inspired ideas, which you will know how to put into practice. BUT: Pay special attention not to break the law, drive carefully and, above all, follow the Rules of the Road.
Magic 8 Ball: Maybe

So, there you have it. Taking it all into consideration, Haussler is probably going to win, but watch out for Petacchi, Cav, Rebellin, and Pozzato (more or less in that order). Now that it's settled, we can all stop fussing about training, team dynamics, form, and all of that irrelevant stuff. The oracles have spoken.