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Tour de France Caravan Mishap Causes Massive Tchotchke Spill

The Tour de France was marred by an accident today among the parade of vehicles that prelude the racers.

The carnage began when a giant tea kettle failed to note the slowing weird balloon car it was following and plowed into the rear of the ‘vehicle.’

The accident triggered a chain reaction sending some sort of motorized hat and a platform of dancing teens singing about banking into the fray. A wheeled spinning top and a historic Citroen carrying models in kitchen aprons completed the pileup.

Though no serious injuries were reported, the accident sent a tchotchke volume "of cataclysmic proportions" spilling into the roadway.

French haz-mat teams (Response Hazard Français) were immediately dispatched to the scene to contain the spill and begin the laborious clean up of thousands of pointless novelties—crappy keychains, magnets, and other "bizarre twisty thingys."

"We couldn’t figure out what those damn things were," explains RHF captain Christophe L’Amont. "But needless to say, no-one wanted to touch them. I’m glad we had the tongs."

Witnesses describe a scene of chaos and panic. "When the first dumb little novelty pen landed at my feet, I feared the worst and screamed ‘Omigod! No!’ when my daughter reached to pick it up," describes visiting American, Steve Burress.

"I quickly swept her up and climbed to higher ground to escape the toxic flood. She was sad at first for not getting the pen, but she’ll thank me later for sparing her the grief of realizing it’s worthless crap."

The French emergency response teams made short order of the spill clean up to ensure that the race was not delayed. "We got to use some special equipment we’ve picked up in anticipation of just such a mishap," explains L’Amont. "Looks like the snow shovels and Hefty trash bags were pretty good investments after all."

"It was absolute merde that no-one in their right mind would assign any value to whatsoever. Some marketing geniuses dream those up—just so that it can all now choke our landfills."

Due to the volume, however, "we couldn’t get it all," continues L’Amont. "We just did what we could to keep the race schedule. We’ll have to go back afterwards to truly assess the environmental impact and the long-term effects of the disaster. It’s imperative to understand the ramifications of such an event and properly educate the public.

"In terms of importance, it’s probably a close second to global warming."

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I dunno...

Probably the same place they spell “dooshbag.” Forgive me for not correctly spelling such a common seven consonant, two vowel word. I am humbled by your superior intellect.

by Hophead Velo on Apr 18, 2009 8:11 PM EDT up reply actions  

humor postings

Dude these humor pieces are kinda cluttering up the fanposts, imho.

Maybe hold out for like one a week? Or like post on a blog of your own? Or maybe just prepend [SATIRE] or something like that to the title?

What do other PCers think?

-Greg

by gregm on Apr 18, 2009 8:37 PM EDT reply actions  

Fanshots are another option.

    People don’t seem to take fanshots as seriously and seem to be underused and under appreciated. Like they say they they are quick hits, and they tend to last up to a week or more. And to Hophead Velo and any one else interested there is no rule that prohibits people from promoting their own blog.

I'm not Bob Dylan but I never miss a beat.
I ain't no philosopher, I dance in the street.

by flying dog on Apr 19, 2009 7:45 AM EDT up reply actions  

Fair enough

Greg,

I appreciate the feedback. I do have my own blog (http://hopheadvelo.blogspot.com), but only recently discovered Podium Cafe. As such, I have a backlog of articles. I apologize that I have been a bit overzealous in posting over the past couple of days. I’ll tone it down and duly note future sbmissions with a [SATIRE] label. Thanks.

by Hophead Velo on Apr 18, 2009 8:58 PM EDT reply actions  

nah, don't warn me...

but do ration them enough so I don’t look at your signature, and say, “eh, another joke.” Nicer if fanposts stay up for a few days on the front page.

by JFS_PGH on Apr 18, 2009 9:55 PM EDT up reply actions  

Welcome, HV

I’d recommend hanging out and talking cycling for awhile. This is a great community, with lots of good discussions and an awesome depth of knowledge of the sport—and there’s always plenty of room for another cycling fan. Come get to know people and let them get to know you. Then when you post one of your pieces, it will seem more like sharing with the community and less like, well, looking for an audience.

Why not hop over to one of the Amstel threads and give your opinion on what’s going to happen tomorrow? There’s even a thread devoted to Ardennes haiku, if you’re up for it.

"Sean Kelly? Sorry, I am not so good with cycling history. I just want to race." --Edvald Boasson Hagen

by majope on Apr 18, 2009 9:50 PM EDT reply actions  

Lesson learned

Again, I appreciate the feedback and apologize for stepping on any toes. I have much to learn from the PC community and am grateful for the audience.

Cheers,

HV

by Hophead Velo on Apr 18, 2009 10:17 PM EDT up reply actions  

worthless crap?

You’ve never seen the fights breaking out between eight year olds as they dive into the gutter to grab free sweets then bring them back for daddy to scrape off the biggest lumps of dogshit.

by Monty. on Apr 19, 2009 7:24 AM EDT reply actions  

True 'dat

Yes, I have witnessed how people risk life and limb diving after the trinkets tossed by the TdF caravan. I am guilty of this activity myself. This was satire. If such an event were to actually occur, no cleanup would be necessary, but it would still probably be an emergency situation due to the riot it would surely cause — like a shark feeding frenzy.

by Hophead Velo on Apr 19, 2009 1:23 PM EDT up reply actions  

Keep it comin’ HV.
But yes, I like the idea of a prepend like what is don with the Tech posts.

by Ryan_Liles on Apr 20, 2009 2:46 AM EDT reply actions  

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