Jens! Voigt Updates: Open Thread

My thoughts and positive vibes are flowing your way, Jens!. Get well soon.

IMHO. You can picture him being more matter-of-fact here. But, well, who knows.

Apparently BS Christiansen has gone with Jens! to Grenoble.

Who said it?

I’ll try Ford.

at what point in the exam did Jens ask if there was still time to finish the stage? Am guessing it came up shortly after he came to, though if they were smart they’d have strapped him to the gurney by then.

- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Jens.

- Jens doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

- There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Jens has allowed to live.

- Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Jens.

- Jens does not sleep. He waits.

- Jens is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

- Jens is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

- Jens counted to infinity – twice.

- When Jens does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

- Jens is so fast, he can ride around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

- Jens’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

- Jens can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

- Jens doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

- Jens can slam a revolving door.

- Jens does not get frostbite. Jens bites frost.

- When Jens calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

- Jens once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
 
- There are no races, only countries of people Jens has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
 
- When Jens falls in water, Jens doesn’t get wet. Water gets Jens.
 
- Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1JVBa (Jens Voight Break-away)
 
- Jens’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
 
- Jens doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
 
- Jens CAN believe it’s not butter.
 
- If tapped, a Jens breakaway could power the EU for 44 minutes.
 
- Jens can divide by zero.
 
- The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jens has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
 
- A picture is worth a thousand words. A Jens is worth 1 billion words.
 
- Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Jens Voigt Break-away.
 
- While urinating, Jens is easily capable of welding titanium.
 
- Jens once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
 
- When Jens talks, everybody listens. And dies.
 
- Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Jens to go around.
 
- Jens doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Jens is Jens.
 
- For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Jens, each testicle is larger than the other one.
 
- Jens always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
 
- When taking the SAT, write “Jens” for every answer. You will score over 8000.
 
- Jens invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
 
- When you’re Jens, anything + anything is equal to 1. One Jens Voigt Break-away.
 
- Jens has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
  
- Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Jens.
 
- Jens doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Jens throws down!
 
- In the beginning there was Nothing…then Jens dropped that Nothing on a break-away and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.
 
- Jens has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
 
- Jens grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
 
- Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Jens”
 
- Jens ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
 
- Jens and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
 
- If you Google search “Jens getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.

- Jens can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
  
- Jens doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
 
- The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Jens. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
 
- It takes Jens 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
 
- Jens has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
 
- When Jens is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.
 
- Jens once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
 
- James Cameron wanted Jens to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
 
- Jens can touch MC Hammer.
 
- Thousands of years ago Jens came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendents now have white hair.
 
- Jens played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.