Why not me? Zombie Maurice Garin
by LurkerMcLurkerson on Jul 3, 2009 1:18 PM EDT
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A surprise last-minute entrant.
Why he will win:
As winner of the 1st, 2nd and now 96th Tours, he is the only man zombie who can make Americans pay attention to someone other than HWMNBN.
Won't just ride a train to get to the final stage, but also during stages. This, and lifts on the back of tour motorbikes will allow him to conserve valuable energy for the final apocalypse time-trial.
Eats Contador's brains on Mont Ventoux.
Zombie Maurice Garin is tough- no matter how many times he Schlecks on a downhill, able to dust himself off and keep going.
Why he won't win:
Zombie aren't renowned for their teamwork. TTT will be a disaster.
Every night Cadel's dog buries him in a park somewhere, and it takes a while to dig himself back up.
Zombies are kinda sloooowwww. Even on drugs.
Disqualified when drug testers discover he doesn't have any biological blood. Or urine. Or a soul (exogenous souls are banned by WADA {dick pound exempted}).
Final Analysis:
Hrrggh mnnna aaggghrr...
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Hmmm
That photo didn’t seem to publish. Any suggestions as to how to get it appearing?
by LurkerMcLurkerson on Jul 3, 2009 1:19 PM EDT reply actions
And the strike-throughs didn't come out either
Curse my internet incompetence.
by LurkerMcLurkerson on Jul 3, 2009 1:20 PM EDT reply actions
the pic I mean
Still working on the strikethrough’s. My second fanpost is going to be much cleaner. sigh.
by LurkerMcLurkerson on Jul 3, 2009 1:27 PM EDT up reply actions
And he even served a 2 year suspension
Which is one reason I can kind of make my peace with the sports druggie past- it’s not like you can say that the dopers ruined a long and glorious tradition of ethical cyclists in the Tour de France. There’s been dodginess right from first parcours.
by LurkerMcLurkerson on Jul 3, 2009 3:07 PM EDT up reply actions
My problem
with Zombie Maurice Garin is that he wasn’t known for his scrupulous attention to the rules even back when he was alive. Do you seriously think we can hold the Zombie Garin to a higher standard of ethical conduct than the former living one?
Your power is turning our darkness to dawn,
Roll on Columbia, Roll on!
by Chris Fontecchio on Jul 4, 2009 2:13 AM EDT reply actions
Cadel's dog buries him?
since when did that little yippy thing ever need to dig her own holes? “Mollie wants Daddy to dig a hole for her, does she? Let daddy find a teammate to help.”
There were no mountains in those first two tours
Garin will go into a complete system shocks if the road goes up above 1500m.
"Where there’s a will, there’s a way.": Alberto Contador, shortly after waking up from brain surgery.
'They're not dead exactly, they're just... sort of rotting.'
Muscle relaxant just settles them down for a bit.
To really stop them, you need a Victa lawnmower.
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