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Stage 15: The Dude's view


Lot's o' polemica today, so I figured a little levity would help. With that in mind, I've cast Andy and Alberto in the Coen Brother's masterpiece of dialog. The actors switch roles, as fits the story, so fair warning that Andy can be cast as the Dude in one scene and Walter in the next. I rather like Alberto as Smokey, but he plays other roles too. Vino as Donny seems perfect. No disrespect to the riders is intended, and no real explanation of the day's racing is offered, just good Lebowski-driven farcical fun.

Please add your own Lebowski tales to fit the stage 15 hijinks as well. Is Lance cast as the Big Lebowski or Jackie Treehorn? (If he's Lebowksi, then Levi has to be Brandt, doesn't he?) Denis makes a good Jesus, but who does Sammy get to play? So many questions...

One more thing before the jump, The Dude and his friends do tend to use too many swear words and they aren't into the whole brevity thing, so it's NSFW or children, or people without a healthy respect for the absurd.

Alberto Contador: Did I break the rules? 
Andy Schleck: No, you did not break the rules. 
Alberto Contador: Did I break the rules? 
Andy Schleck: You didn't cheat Alberto. You're just an asshole. 
Alberto Contador: Okay then. 

...

Vino: How come you don't attack the maillot jeune when he has a mechanical, Andy? 
Andy Schleck: Unwritten rules. 
Vino: What's that? 
Contador: Yeah, and in the meantime, what do I tell Armstrong? 
Andy Schleck: The yellow jersey, Vino, is sacred. That means that I don't work, I don't attack, I don't fucking go up the road, I don't take a turn at the front, I don't turn on the speed, and I sure as shit *don't attack the yellow jersey when it has a mechanical*! 
Vino: Sheesh. 
Andy Schleck: Unwritten rules! 
Contador: Walter, how am I going to... 
Andy Schleck: Unwritten fucking rules. 
Contador: Oh fuck it. I'm out of here. 

...

Bjarne Riis: Andy, ya know, it's Alberto, so he attacked a little when you had a mechanical, big deal. It's just a race, man. 
Andy Schleck: Bjarne, this is a mountain stage, this determines who wins the yellow jersey. Am I wrong? Am I wrong? 
Alberto Contador: Yeah, but I didn't know your bike broke. Gimme the marker Dude, I'm marking it an 8 second lead. 
Andy Schleck: [pulls out a gun] Alberto, my friend, you are entering a world of pain. 
Bjarne Riis: Andy... 
Andy Schleck: You mark that an 8 second lead, and you're entering a world of pain. 
Alberto Contador: I'm not... 
Andy Schleck: A world of pain. 
Alberto Contador: Bjarne, he's your rider... 
Andy Schleck: [shouting] Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the unwritten rules? Mark it zero! 
Bjarne Riis: They're calling the race officials, put the piece away. 
Andy Schleck: Mark it zero! 
[points gun in Alberto's face
Bjarne Riis: Andy... 
Andy Schleck: [shouting] You think I'm fucking around here? Mark it zero! 
Alberto: All right, it's fucking zero. Are you happy, you crazy fuck? 
Andy Schleck: ...It's a mountain stage, Alberto. 

...

Denis Menchov: What's this "don't attack" shit? What's this bullshit? I don't fuckin' care! It don't matter to Denis. But you're not foolin' me, man. You might fool the fucks in the UCI, but you don't fool Denis. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man - ha ha! I would have fucked you in the ass Monday. I fuck you in the ass Thursday instead. Wooo! You got a date Thursday, baby! 

...

Andy Schleck: You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the maillot jeune. Dios mio, man. Fabian and me, we're gonna fuck you up. 
Alberto Contador: Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man. 
Andy Schleck: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you attack on a mechanical, I'll take your bike away from you, stick it up your ass and shift the fucking gears 'til it goes "click." 
Alberto Contador: Jesus. 
Andy Schleck: You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus. 
Alexandre Vinkourov: Eight-year-olds, 'Berto. 

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