Jens! facts

Chuck Norris wears Jens! pajamas.

Andy Schleck did knock a bear out with a single punch, but Jens! wiped the bear's existence from the course of human history when he attacked and dropped the bear.  Did too.  Did totally too.

Jens! challenged Lance to a who-can-update-twitter-more-often contest.  Jens! won 7,532,599-0.

After Stage 5 of the Tour de France, Jens! informed Cavendish that he was a Daylight Deprived Internet Forum Person compared to the great and mighty Jens!.  Cav was so honoured that he cried on the podium, went back to the hotel and did a weird victory celebration.  This celebration was then borrowed by Andy Schleck during his stage 8 victory.

If pain is weakness leaving the body, then Jens! will turn the peloton into a World's Strongest Man competition in 8 minutes or less.

Fabian Cancellara's bike does have a motor.  It just so happens that the motor is made out of the teeth that Jens! lost when he was seven.

Jens! is never tested for doping, because his blood is made out of pain, and there is no method for determining a rider's pain cell count.

Jens! doesn't ride time trials.  He just stares at the finish line until it complies with his wish to meet as soon as possible.

Jens! has won the young rider competition 455 years in a row.

Jens! doesn't think about books when he is riding the Tour de France.  He thinks about attacking books until the books in his head relent and give him the information he is looking for.

Jens! doesn't know where you were born, but he knows exactly where you will be dropped.  This isn't impressive, since he just drops everybody at the starting line.

After Jens! crashed in the 2009 Tour de France, he came up with the idea of scraping his skin off of the pavement and making a website out of it.  This site is now known as the Podium Cafe.

Once, Chris!!! was attacked by Jens!  Chris!!! promptly dropped two of his exclamation marks.  Jens! kept one, and then donated the other to the LiveJens! foundation, which helps underprivileged families learn how to attack.  Chris!'s remaining exclamation mark met an untimely demise when Jens! attacked him again, thus bludgeoning the exclamation mark.  This was retribution for Chris...'s inability to vouch for the safety of Girbecco and Tourbecco.  All that is left is a trail of three drops of blood.  Chris!!! is now known as Chris...

Jens! can convince Phil H. and sminer to agree on the topic of Lance Armstrong.

Jens! never actually fell off of his bike during the 2010 Tour de France.  That was a typical dismount.  He just wanted to try out the yellow bike, given to the rider who leads the Most Pain Dished Out competition.

Sylvain Chavanel spent two days in the yellow jersey, traditionally worn by the rider who is second in the GC behind Jens!

Jens! knows who won the 1902 Tour de France.

Floyd Landis never cheated.  He did, however, look Jens! in the eyes for 0.4 seconds.  This event caused a sharp upswing of testosterone which Floyd has maintained to this day.

Lance never cheated.  Jens! just decided to be Lance's domestique for 3 seconds on every stage from 1999-2005.

Phil H. came up with a stage predictor game.  The object of the game was to pick who would finish in 2nd, 3rd, and 4th behind Jens! in every stage.  Jens! won that game also.

Jens! once helped Kenny Van Hummel ride himself back into the Tour de France.

There are so many Jens! facts that nobody in the world can possibly memorize any more than a tiny fraction of them.  Therefore, Jens! would greatly appreciate it if everybody else on PdC would contribute their own Jens! facts in the comments.

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