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Maillot Blanc 5: Former Winners and Future Winners

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Hey, it's twofer time! This post has two lists regarding the Tour de France Maillot Blanc; they encompass former winners (Has-Beens) and future winners (To-Be-Has-Beens?). Alberto Contador and Andy Schleck are excluded from this unscientific analyses of former winners due to the unending and unasked for analyses regarding the truth universally acknowleged that the duo will finish 1-2 for their third time. Likewise, Robert Gesink is excluded from the list of potential candidates since his spindly and skinny legs have been pedaling at the forefront for years now.

The Has-Beens

Ivan Basso (2002) The cherub-faced, sweet-smiling climber Ivan the Terrible has not ridden the Grand Boucle since 2005 due to, say, troubles occurring after his 2006 Giro d'Italia domination. After involuntary vacation, he has had Grand Tour success with Liquigas: 1st in the 2010 Giro and 4th in the 2009 Giro and Vuelta. He has the capability to stand upon the podium as he did in 2005, but much has altered in cycling politics--or has it? Before delving into conspiracy theories it must be said that Basso has the classic Achilles' heel of most climbers: the time trial! There is no need to elaborate on this since time trial mediocrity is mentioned anytime the Schleck Brothers or Euskatel riders dun skinsuits.

Damiano Cunego (2006) Little Prince, how long hadst thou dwelleth in the shadow of the 2004 Giro win? ZOMG liek 4evah! There have been no Grand Tour podiums since that May day, only week-long and one-day wins that never ever can compare thee to a Summer's day to being the most wondrous wunderkind since Fausto Coppi. Whatever shall he do to atone for not--no pun intended, absolutely not!--short-changing expectations? Stage wins, stage wins! Uh-oh, can he depend on his team? Lampre is firing up Ale-Jet to smoke 'em all in the flat first week to erase any awareness about Il Piccolo Principe and his temporary anti-doping tattoos…

Vladimir Karpets (2004) Vladimir Alexandrovich had the most famous mullet in all of Pelotonland. Then, one day, perhaps on impulse, he had it surgically removed. Fortunately, he did not go the way of Samson but, rather, retained the mantle of Best Russian Grand Tour Rider After Denis Menchov (TM) sans mullet. So, what is Vlad to do to expand his fame beyond his hairstyles? Katusha fancies that with their totally awesome, totally all Russian team that they will propel scary Mr Karpets atop the podium; well dudes, pray for Karma to intervene because Vlad has not won any stage races since the 2007 Tour de Suisse.

Denis Menchov (2003) This Summer, the Silent Assassain is unemployed; what will he do if not battling the forces of gravity attacking him in the French mountains? It is terrible enough for Carlos Sastre and he that their team is uninvited to the Tour but now Spanish courts have voted to revoke his 2005 Vuelta title to EPO-positive former USPS rider Roberto Heras. Quelle horreur! Yes, there are suspicions about the stoic silentman that taint his reputation but we cannot have bad blood, let alone bad puns, with him because if he were to win it would mean even more victory screams!

Yaroslav Popovych (2005) Hey you, never refer to the Ukrainian as "Popo;" that word is the equivalent of "shit" in some languages. Hey, one could describe his career as such, ever since he associated with the team of the one who shall not be named due to ongoing investigations. Look, Yaro was U23 World Road Race Champion in 2001; yeah, sure, that was long, long ago but look what has happened since his 2003 Giro podium third-placed step: no more Grand Tor podiums. One "Best Young Rider" jersey in 2005 did not--definitely not!--electrify his career to team leadership; he is hindered with domestiquehood that at most will win his team the--surprise!--team time trial before Klödi and Levi vie for team leadership.

The To-Be-Has-Beens?

Jérôme Coppel (06/08/1986) Every year is destined to produce the next winner--FRENCH WINNER!--of future Tour de Frances so this year the honor is bestowed upon Jérôme Coppel, disregarding any "non!"  from John "Fourth at the Giro!" Gadret. So, what justification is there in this potential beyond several U23 French titles? Well, he can time trial better than your average climber and climb better than your average time trialing Swiss cannibal tyrant--oh yeah, there is but one of those machines. So what if he has never finished any Grand Tour because he will finish this one, following in the footsteps of future French Tour winners Christophe Le Mével and Amaël Moinard.

Roman Kreuziger (06/05/1986) For the Czech, it is THE last chance to wear and win the Maillot Blanc. His finishes in the three previous Tours were not enough to overcome the now aging Andy Schleck; now, without competition from Schlecklet and Sharkboy the jersey will be his! Uh-oh, there is the Rabobank problem of Bobo Gesink and Bauke Mollema. What then is Roman to do? Depend on Vino! The chronic attack-a-holic will trick those Orangemen into losing time so Astana brings something home to Kazakhstan besides shame.

Bauke Mollema (26/11/1986) The Dutch Rabobanker from Groningen finished 12th in his first Grand Tour finish; let it be hoped that this is not the peak of his illustrious career. He has no wins this year but he has several stage race Top Tens: Castilla y León; Paris-Nice; Catalunya; and Suisse. Unfortunately, he is Plan B or C with Bobo Knows Cycling Gesink and Lulu Sánchez present at the race; at least if those two implode he has the experienced legs of Niermann and Ten Dam for the mountains--and the explosiveness of Lars Boom!

Rein Taaramäe (24/04/1987) At last, will the lone Estonian unleash his Reign of Terror? Too many will be distracted by Alberto and Andy pedaling hand-in-hand through mountains, mechanicals, and sunflowers to notice this winner of many youth classifications: Paris-Nice (2010, 2011); Critérium International (2011); and Tour de Romandie (2009). He may have finished only one Grand Tour to date, the 2009 Vuelta, but he may have been concealing his talents for the morale of long-suffering team leader David Moncoutié, survivor of 10,000 doping scandals.

Geraint Thomas (25/05/1986) My future projections do not create mountains out of molehills for G; the tracktacular Welshman has ridden but three Grand Tours but he improved exponentially as his climbing ability accumulated: 140 (2007 Tour); 118 (2008 Giro); 67 (2010 Tour). These unproven calculations enhanced by fannishness conclude that he finishes ahead of One-Hit Tour Wonder Wiggo who will he weighted down with national expectations as winner of the Critérium du Dauphiné and British Road Race.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this post definitely do not reflect and/or representant the opinions of the editors of Sports Nation and Podium Cafe.