FanPost

FSA-DS Beer Helps with the Ladies Edition

Lizzie Armitstead, Thüringen Rundfahrt 2011 - Sarah Connolly

Hi again friends, welcome to another instalment of the FSA-DS Beer Helps series. This edition is all about the ladies and involves yet more high-risk (to my liver) research and analysis. If I die, tell my mum I was doing something I love (being obnoxious on the internet).

NED

RBW

Marianne Vos

82

SWE

GEW

Emma Johansson

55

USA

SLU

Evelyn Stevens

55

NED

RBW

Annemiek van Vleuten

55

GER

SLU

Trixi Worrack

30

GER

SLU

Ina Teutenberg

26

NED

SKI

Kirsten Wild

26

This is the worst possible group to have to make a decision on, and unlike the men, this one is probably a decision we’d rather be able to explain away as being drunk when we made it. The reason we’ve included the last three names in this grouping is because they’re who you’ll be looking to add to your high-cost superstar, as combinations are limited - no rider can be picked in isolation. This decision is as much about who you leave behind as who you pick up.

Shit, this is going to be hard. Maybe we should go watch some Buffy to get psyched up about strong women kicking arse and to get a few beers in before we start making picks.

But then again, if we shy away from the decision then Ina’s likely to lap us and call us pussies so maybe we should just make a fucking choice already. What would Vos do? Well she’d pick Vos obviously, she knows that she’s planning to win everything. Evie would attack.

If you’re not onto your third anxiety beer by now then you’re not taking this seriously enough.

Beer says: Emma Johansson – she’s the one that’s going to be overlooked by most punters but she’s at the centre of a crazy strong team and will put you over the (Green)edge.

Walk of Shame pick: Teutenberg – you didn’t believe Ina when she spent all of last year saying how she felt terrible and old and should probably just retire and die? Sucker.

GBR

DLT

Elizabeth Armitstead

20

ITA

HPU

Elisa Longo Borghini

20

GBR

BCT

Emma Pooley

20

NED

SLT

Anna van der Breggen

20

Alright then, beer two (the four anxiety beers don’t count). Let’s keep going.

This is another rotten category to choose from. All I can say for sure is that you’d better think long and hard about Pooley before picking her. What with all the talk of retiring and/or taking a break last season and rumours swirling about the UCI changing the rules for women so that they’re no longer allowed to go up hills.

You might think Armitstead is a great choice because she won the Olympics and gave really good interviews afterwards, but remember wrestling’s probably being taken out of the Olympics in 2020 so make sure you factor that in.

Beer says Anna van der Breggen – you didn’t pick a Dutch rider in the top group? Are you fucking insane? Quick, get one now before they’re all gone.

Walk of Shame pick: Armitstead – sure you picked her for the interviews, we believe you. That’s how you choose all your riders/magazines. Uh-huh…

NED

SLU

Ellen van Dijk

18

BLR

BPK

Alena Amialyusik

16

ITA

WHT

Giorgia Bronzini

16

BEL

RBW

Liesbet De Vocht

16

Ok, these weird groups are freaking me out, I think we deserve a shot of whiskey to calm things down a bit, and then it’s time for beer number 3. The difficulty with picking from this group is that a lot of choice comes down to which names you like pronouncing in your head most.

Smart money probably says something like pick Bronzini because she’s… well, Bronzini, but smart money likes to pretend it’s too good for beer so beer says smart money can go fuck itself.

Beer says: Liesbet De Vocht – she’s the perfect balance of adorable and tough. Liesbet is just the cutest name ever and De Vocht is something you can shout when you’re at the pub and it’s kind of like you’re saying "they’re fucked" in English (if you’re pretty drunk and have a fucked up sense of humour). Also, a Belgian on Rabo? Of course she’ll get her chances.

Walk of Shame pick: Ellen van Dijk – Ellen’s awesome but this year the whole team’s going to be built around Evie right? So what’s an Ellen to do?

NED

DLT

Martine Bras

14

FRA

RBW

Pauline Ferrand-Prevot

14

USA

PZC

Amber Neben

14

USA

TIB

Shelley Olds

14

NED

DLT

Adrie Visser

14

Ok, we’ve had a couple of beers and it’s time to be honest with ourselves. Pretty much everyone reckons that PFP stands for "Pretty Fuckin’ Pretty" or "Pretty Fuckin’ Perfect" or "Pauline Ferrand-Prevot". And with that lineup of names, who wouldn’t pick her?

Beer 6, maybe 7. Let’s chug this one and open 8 to make sure we keep the pace up.

You should probably also think about Shelley Olds. I mean sure, her last name is Olds but people love Oldsmobiles right? Also, she’s only 32 and in cyclist years that’s like being 32.

Beer says: PFP – in this category you have to respect the longest name, and also the youngster who’s likely to continue to improve. The beer also says you can justify it however you want but everyone knows the real reason for your selection.

Walk of Shame pick: Anyone whose name isn’t hyphenated. Hyphens are great.

RUS

MCG

Tatiana Antoshina

12

ITA

MCG

Monia Baccaille

12

NED

RBW

Lucinda Brand

12

AUS

GEW

Tiffany Cromwell

12

USA

RBW

Megan Guarnier

12

AUS

HPU

Chloe Hosking

12

GBR

LBL

Sharon Laws

12

RSA

LBL

Ashleigh Moolman

12

BEL

CZT

Grace Verbeke

12

RUS

RVL

Olga Zabelinskaya

12

Alright one more beer, one more segment and we can have another shot. Awesome! Let’s get to it.

To Crom well or not to Crom well, that is the question. Well one of them anyway, I actually have a lot of questions. Like how come the walls are moving? And do you think maybe I should’ve eaten something before we started drinking our way through this? Anyway, Tiffany showed some real strength last year and took out that Giro Donne stage with a 107 motherfucking kilometre solo break. Also Greenedge are looking pretty feisty this year, so maybe.

Chloe Hosking was pretty good at Qatar too, but the rest of the season is unlikely to be as hot and dusty, so dunno. Olga Zabelinskaya won the Bronze medal at the Olympics, twice, so she might be a solid bet.

Beer says: Ashleigh Moolman – all the best things come from science and with a chemical engineering degree she’ll be able to explode races from all over. Actually can somebody tell her what a brilliant April Fool’s joke it would be for her to coat her competitors wheels in touch powder?

Walk of Shame pick: Sharon Laws – here in Australia, our economy is largely driven at the moment by the mining boom and so trust us when we tell you, the mining boom in Australia has pretty much peacked. Sharon’s also worked as an environmental advisor to the mining industry in Australia so…

UKR

VAI

Alona Andruk

10

ITA

BPK

Noemi Cantele

10

AUS

GEW

Shara Gillow

10

ITA

MCG

Tatiana Guderzo

10

NED

GEW

Loes Gunnewijk

10

GER

RVL

Hanka Kupfernagel

10

USA

SLU

Carmen McNellis Small

10

CAN

OPW

Joelle Numainville

10

NED

RBW

Iris Slappendel

10

Woohoo! Time for a shot! Make it two, you’ve been patient. Go on, treat yourself.

Alright crack a fresh beer and let’s get into the ten point stocks. It’s time to face a few hard facts, the first of which is that your team probably needs an Italian by now so you should really think about Cantele or Guderzo.

The other hard fact is that this is a really good point category. You can pretty much take any of these riders and be secure in the knowledge that all the riders you didn’t pick will do really well.

Beer says: Shara Gillow – Does anybody know if Shara’s nickname is "Shallow"? That’d be funny. Also, she’s from Queensland and so’s Robbie McEwen so it’s practically the same thing as picking Robbie in 2006.

Walk of Shame pick: Shara Gillow – you picked a rider who’s nickname is Shallow? What the fuck were you thinking?

USA

EXG

Mara Abbott

8

NED

TIB

Chantal Blaak

8

AUS

WHT

Rochelle Gilmore

8

AUS

GEW

Melissa Hoskins

8

USA

EXG

Kristin McGrath

8

EST

MIC

Grete Treier

8

Have you been counting how many beers we’ve had? I’ve lost track. There’s a lot of bottles here but I’m pretty sure some of them are from yesterday, so maybe we’ve had four? If anyone asks, we’ve had four.

Open your 10th beer and let’s take a look at the 8 pointers. This is a group where you can pick up some real value. Did you skip Wiggo in the men’s league? Smart move, but if you’re British you probably feel guilty or something so here’s your chance to make that right. Rochelle Gilmore is the boss/captain/owner/manager/chief of the new Wiggo-Honda team and so a vote for her is a vote for equality.

You might want to think about Mara Abbott too. After all, everyone loves a good comeback story and what’s a better comeback story than a former Giro Donne winning, National Road champ returning to the sport after some trying times? I’ll drink to that!

Beer says: Melissa Hoskins – After winning the Tour of Chongming Island last year, Hoskins is guaranteed to provide some great value*.

Walk of Shame pick: Kristin McGrath – to be honest the beer was going to pick McGrath and then it got a look at her pre-race playlist… ‘nuff said.

GER

SKI

Charlotte Becker

6

FRA

BRE

Aude Biannic

6

CAN

FUT

Karol-Ann Canuel

6

ITA

FLF

Elena Cecchini

6

LTU

PZC

Inga Cilvinaite

6

FRA

FUT

Audrey Cordon

6

GER

TIB

Claudia Häusler

6

POL

MCG

Malgorzata Jasinska

6

ITA

FLF

Fabiana Luperini

6

LUX

SLT

Christine Majerus

6

AUS

HPU

Rachel Neylan

6

RUS

RVL

Larisa Pankova

6

NED

SKI

Amy Pieters

6

ITA

HPU

Rossella Ratto

6

AUS

LBL

Carlee Taylor

6

Shit, that last group took a lot of thinking, we might have accidentally slowed down on the beer. Not good. Chug what you’ve got left and crack another one. I think we’re up to beer 13, or 8 – one of those.

Alright 6 point plays. We’ve got some interesting choices in here but the toughest job is going to be convincing any of you who saw the worlds not to take Rachel Neylan. Actually, fuck it, there’s no rational reason not to pick up Neylan, just remember that everyone else is doing it too.

You might also think about Carlee Taylor, especially since she’s allegedly been giving training tips to PhilGil (proof at the very least that Australian tabloids lie at least as well as British ones). Also because she can ride bikes good and stuff.

But there’s plenty of names in this list that are worth your time and attention, assuming you’re expecting a daughter, or are into subverting gender norms (congrats on your impending delivery by the way!). Also, if you’re ever unsure, I’m totally willing to name your baby for you.

Beer 9 or 15. Still tastes good.

Beer says: Rosella Ratto – Every team needs an up and coming Italian sensation to spark some excitement and inject the usually staid and formulaic nature of women’s racing with some unpredictability and verve.

Walk of Shame pick: Charlotte Becker – seriously? You’re picking a tennis player for a cycling DS competition? The children are right to laugh at you.

ITA

FLF

Marta Bastianelli

4

ITA

TOG

Elena Berlato

4

ITA

PZC

Giada Borgato

4

RUS

RVL

Alexandra Burchenkova

4

ITA

PZC

Rossella Callovi

4

BEL

DLT

Jessie Daams

4

BEL

SLT

Sofie De Vuyst

4

AUS

GEW

Gracie Elvin

4

SWE

HPU

Emilia Fahlin

4

FRA

FLF

Christel Ferrier-Bruneau

4

ITA

BPK

Simona Frapporti

4

GBR

XYZ

Wendy Houvenaghel

4

FRA

FUT

Pascale Jeuland

4

POL

MCG

Sylwia Kapusta-Szydlak

4

GER

DLT

Romy Kasper

4

CAN

OPW

Leah Kirchman

4

USA

TIB

Amanda Miller

4

NOR

HPU

Emilie Moberg

4

RSA

TPO

Lise Olivier

4

NED

TPO

Mascha Pijnenborg

4

FRA

MIC

Edwige Pitel

4

USA

NOW

Alison Powers

4

AUS

CZT

Carla Ryan

4

AUS

GEW

Amanda Spratt

4

ITA

MCG

Marta Tagliaferro

4

Quick, time for another shot of whiskey before we wrap this thing up. You ready? 1, 2, 3 go! Yeah, yeah, 3 shots, that’s right. Let’s do it.

And a beer chaser. What? I already have a beer? One second *chugging noise* Ok, I need another beer. Hey, what’s the name of this place again? Wanna get a curry when we’re finished?

Oh yeah, right… 4 pointers. Shit, fuck, son-of-a-gun, this is hard. I mean just look at these riders. Borgato, Fahlin, Kirchman, Miller, Powers, Ryan, Spratt… this is gonna be hard.

You might think about picking up the newly crowned Australian road champion Gracie Elvin, it’s not just that she won (given how much most people think of the Aussie nationals) but how she won that bears some consideration.

Or maybe you want a bit of a dark horse like Marta Tagliaferro, and it’s basically impossible to ignore someone whose name means "ironcutter" and who single-handedly settled the Commonwealth of Virginia, thereby providing a safe home for umwolverine, Sui Juris, Megabeth and other people too.

Beer says: Alison Powers – you can’t waste the opportunity to claim a rider with super powers when it presents itself. Lock it in.

Walk of Shame pick: Marta Bastianelli – because forgiveness is for sober people.

So now you can blame the beer for when your FSA-DS teams totally dominate, win, destroy, rule, enter the competition.

Congratulations. Let’s celebrate with a shot and some beerszzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

*NOTE: The use of the word guarantee in no way denotes or implies any kind of guarantee at all, except for when it does, and even then not so much.

Picture via Knautia

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