Everyday, the mailbox is stuffed to the brim. So many problems, so little time. Alas how sad these poor souls, weighed down by such fearsome problems. But fear not, dear friends, Gavia is here to help!
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Dear Gavia,
I have this big crush on Benna, but he is in Italy and I am here and I can't afford to move to be closer. What do I do?
Signed,
Benna-lover
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Dear Benna-Lover,
This is a very serious problem. Truly Bennati is a lovely sight to behold, and if I were Mistress of the Universe, we would all live in Italy. What the Italians would make of us, I dare not consider, though as Mistress of the Universe I would ensure that all would be happy and joyous (and maybe a wee bit tipsy on the Italian vino.)
Sadly, I am not Mistress of the Universe, and you will have to content yourself with virtual acquaintance with Signor Bennati. Which, in the grand scheme of things isn't so bad. Better virtual Benna, than no Benna at all. To ease your pain, be sure to seek out and post as many photos of Bennati as possible so that always your weary eyes may rest on his beautifulness. Benna wallpaper is a must, of course, though I feel certain you will have already taken this very obvious step. But Benna paper dolls? Or a life size Benna? If the wallpaper and wall-to-wall photos are not enough, you may have to consider such drastic measures.
Fortunately, come July you should be able to enjoy your daily dose of Benna. Hang in there, it's only a few more weeks.
Love and Kisses,
Gavia
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Dear Gavia,
My wife refuses to understand why I need a new Pinarello Prince with the new Campy group (the one that goes to eleven) and a set of Lightweight wheels despite multiple attempts on my part to explain it to her. I even went so far as to put together a spreadsheet comparing the cost per day of the Pinarello to the cost of a gym membership combined with a therapist. The ROI is a measly 16 years! What can I do to convince her?
Signed,
Pinarello-less Prince
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Dear Prince-Poser,
Your wife is right. You don't need a Pinarello Prince with Campy Super Record. But I do. So please send it right over. I will take excellent care of it.
Love and kisses,
Gavia
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Dear Gavia,
What can I do? Drew keeps picking the same guys as me for the VDS competition. Now I get punished by association every time the gods of cycling strike down upon his team with furious anger. I have done nothing wrong , I’m just a poor innocent boy from the country, and I don’t deserve to suffer for other people’s wrongdoings. I’m OK with Drew being punished, he has most likely done horrible things to deserve what he gets (like put Shimano on an italian frame or something similar) but is it right that I should suffer too? I don’t know where else to turn, I’m so sad and confused and I can’t seem to stop crying. Please tell me what to do, Gavia.
Signed,
Unfairly-Chastised
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Dear Unfairly-Chastised,
Cycling gods hungry! Cycling gods smash VDS team! Plainly, a sacrifice is necessary. A new Super Record gruppo would do quite nicely. Just send it directly to me, and I will ensure that the correct rites are carried out.
And this Drew person, he is clearly beyond help. Shimano on an Italian frameset? Poor misguided fool. Such things are simply not done.
Love and Kisses,
Gavia
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Dear Gavia,
The TV at my office is busted. Can you advise me on reasonable excuses for not coming into work until noon (or later) during the 18 non-rest, business days of Le Tour in July?
Signed,
It's Broken!
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Dear It's Broken!,
Plainly, you work for completely unfeeling monsters, if you cannot watch the Tour every morning in July. I feel certain I read it somewhere, that all human beings were created equal and are entitled to certain unalienable rights among which are life, liberty, and the Tour de France every morning in July. But maybe I misunderstood.
All that aside, what is stopping you from buying a new teevee, mmm? Simple. Step 1: Go to store. Step 2: Purchase teevee. Step 3: Plug in Teevee. Step 4: Watch Tour every morning at work. Step 5: Convince boss and co-workers that this is an essential activity and will create value for shareholders. I leave it to you to determine just what this value you are creating is. You didn't think I was going to do everything for you, did you?
Love and kisses,
Gavia
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Got a problem? Need a solution? Write to Gavia, care of askgavia@gmail.com!
Dislaimer thingy: All letters may be edited for clarity and style, and to make them more funny. Names and places may be altered to make sure that neither Gavia nor the Cafe gets sued. Cuz we don't have that kind of cash. Gavia is not a lawyer, doctor, or any of those other authority types who are actually qualified to give advice. Use at your own risk and stuff.