FanPost

Why not me? Zombie Maurice Garin

1897garin_medium

via upload.wikimedia.org

 

A surprise last-minute entrant.

 

 

Why he will win:


As winner of the 1st, 2nd and now 96th Tours, he is the only man zombie who can make Americans pay attention to someone other than HWMNBN.


Won't just ride a train to get to the final stage, but also during stages.  This, and lifts on the back of tour motorbikes will allow him to conserve valuable energy for the final apocalypse time-trial.


Eats Contador's brains on Mont Ventoux.


Zombie Maurice Garin is tough- no matter how many times he Schlecks on a downhill, able to dust himself off and keep going.



Why he won't win:

 

Zombie aren't renowned for their teamwork.  TTT will be a disaster.

Every night Cadel's dog buries him in a park somewhere, and it takes a while to dig himself back up.  

Zombies are kinda sloooowwww.  Even on drugs.

Disqualified when drug testers discover he doesn't have any biological blood.  Or urine.  Or a soul (exogenous souls are banned by WADA {dick pound exempted}).


Final Analysis:

Hrrggh mnnna aaggghrr...