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Tour de France: Things To Do During a Flat Stage While You Wait For The Inevitable Sprint

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Tour de France 2011, La Chapelle Nueve, stage 5. Photo: Michael Steele/Getty.

Was that the longest title in Podium Cafe history? Yes, yes, I think it was. Suck it, short headlines!

So as we all know, tomorrow is a sprint stage, which means a long, flat ride across the French countryside followed by maybe five minutes of fast and furious bike racing. Now, I feel like maybe you're worried that you'll be bored during that long, flat trip across France. Fear not! I'm here to help, because I'm such a giver.

Here is Gav's handy-dandy list of Things To Do During A Flat Stage While You Wait For The Inevitable Sprint. Ready? Let's go.

Go for a walk around the block. You may need to repeat this option several times before the sprint at long last happens.

Ride the trainer. Sprint on the odd kilometers. Alternatively, sprint every time Phil Liggett says something Liggetlike. By the time the riders reach the sprint, you too will have cracked like an egg.

Drink heavily. Do this with enough enthusiasm, and you won't notice how long it takes to get to the sprint. You may not notice the sprint either.

Do laundry. Because you know you need to, don't try to tell me you don't.

Sleep in. You didn't really want to watch the race. It's just more France.

Clean the espresso machine. You've been putting it off, haven't you, and now your espresso tastes like dirt and you can't figure out why. Clean it. No time like tomorrow. If you're quick about it, you can have an espresso that doesn't taste like dirt in time for the final ten kilometers. Win!

Read ahead on the Tour website. Dream of very large mountains.

Recalculate the time gaps in the general classification using logarithmic tables. Do these exist? I'm not sure. But it sounded smart when I thought of it. So, there you go.

Reorganize your hard drive. Then, pretend it's 1995 and run that defragmenting thing that you still have for some reason. What was that thing for anyway? Did it even do anything?

Yoga. Breathe deeply. I think?

Clean your bike. I can hear it creaking from here. Use a toothbrush. Make it shine, dollboy!

Plan next year's racing season. Wait, who are you kiddding? You aren't actually going to race, are you?

Give up on racing and plan next year's VDS team instead. Try to pretend that it won't suck as much as this year's team.

Chat with friends. Like here, I mean, if you consider these loopy people your friends, that is. Don't forget your geology textbook. Maybe bring a book about cheese, too, while you're at it. Some knowledge of vintage refrigerators might also prove useful. It's always good to be prepared.

Watch the race! And you people call yourselves bike racing fans.